Chapter 1196 Thoughtful Words (3)
"It started off fairly innocent. I liked to learn things about you and found methods of doing so. I couldn't go to your games because they were often at night and there was a small period of time between classes and curfew I could use to train. But, I always watched the livestreams.
"During one of your postgame interviews, the interviewer asked you whether you preferred girls with short or long hair. I remember not liking the question. Shouldn't she have been asking you about football? And why was she so flirty? But I distinctly remember you saying long hair.
"Back then, I remember being traumatized and I agonized over it for several days. A part of me thought you just answered randomly because the interviewer made you uncomfortable. But, another part of me couldn't help but look in the mirror, hating my short hair.
"I always found long hair to be annoying. It also got in the way, it took way too long to dry after a shower, and whenever I trained I had to make extra care not to let it get tangled or caught by an opponent. But, after that day, I couldn't bring myself to cut it anymore."
Aina thought too highly of Leonel's opinion. Even if it was a joke, even if it was an off handed comment to get the interviewer off of his back, she still did it at a great inconvenience to herself. She had always been about optimizing her training, but for the first time in her life, she chose to do something decidedly against her philosophy, just for the small chance at making Leonel happy.
She lost count of the number of times she had done exactly that.
She stopped wearing tomboyish clothes and started wearing dresses to school. She began to worry about her appearance a lot, even changing the settings of the mask that hid her scars to a slightly more beautiful setting. She even remembered regretting choosing a setting that was so normal when she could have made herself the most beautiful girl in school with the change of a few settings.
These were all small and petty things she did 'for herself' that no one could ever prove otherwise. They were all small and under the table, and many of them happened over such a long course of time that Leonel would have never thought that he was the trigger for any of it.
Many would have thought that Aina was simply growing up, sliding into her feminine charms more as she matured just like every other little girl did. How many young girls were boorish tomboys in their youth, only to become prim and proper young ladies when they grew? It wasn't a rare thing at all.
But, Aina was practically going against everything she was, just to fit into an archetype she wasn't even sure that Leonel liked.
She couldn't talk to him outside a classroom setting without her brain turning into a bonfire, so all she could do was pick up hints and clues from his passerby conversations with his friends and the tidbits she grasped from interviews.
She built an entire persona, a woman that wasn't even truly herself, just to make Leonel happy. And the sad part…?
He had already liked her. He had already said as much. In fact, he told her almost everyday, without reserve and without the slightest hint of embarrassment.
"… I remember every time you confessed, I could recall them all. And each time, I respected you so much more, liked you so much more, because you could do exactly what I seemed to have no ability to do… Express your feelings as openly and honestly as you want to."
Aina poured out her soul. She didn't hide even the most embarrassing things she had done, like the time she painted the nails on one hand blue and the other violet and tried to see which one Leonel noticed because she couldn't figure out which was his favorite color…
Or the time she did hanging drills at the end of her training, hoping she would lengthen her spine during the period she thought Leonel might like taller girls…
Or that time she spent practically all the money she had earned during one of her summer internships on a jersey signed by Leonel that, to this day, sat in a corner of her spatial ring… A jersey she never thought would ever see the light of day.
She spilled practically everything a young and naïve girl would do for the sake of her crush. Except the difference was that normally nobody else but her should have been aware of this obsession, but she revealed it all without holding back as though she was truly scared that Leonel wouldn't understand just how much she cared.
"… I did all of these things but I could never take the final step. And I knew that I was running out of time. That day was coming and afterward, I didn't know if I would ever see you again… It was one of the greatest regrets of my life, not being able to drum up the courage to explain things to you…"
Aina wasn't wrong to feel so guilty. In her worldview, Leonel was of common birth and his Gene Analysis exam was also unimpressive. By all rights, he shouldn't have been a talent of any kind and he would likely be among the very first to die during the Metamorphosis.
Aina's own crippling anxiety led her to the point where she chose her own comfort over potentially saving the life of the young man she had pined over for four years already.
It was then that she should have realized just how much of a problem her own emotions were becoming, it was then she should have realized that she was letting something other than her reason dictate her actions…
But by then, it was already too late.
"… I was wracked with guilt and I couldn't even look you in the eye… Things only became worse after the first Trial and my benign actions became decidedly less so…"