Chapter 1195 Thoughtful Words (2)
The voice was soft, but there were too many strong individuals in attendance for it not to be heart. But once again, it was as though Aina couldn't be bothered to care. Usually, it was always Leonel putting up sound barriers making the two of them invisible. Aina didn't know how to communicate silently nor did she care to.
"I know the words don't mean much, but I still wanted to say them. I know that I hurt you. I was so worried about protecting myself and putting up barriers so I wouldn't have to suffer pain again that I put the only man I cared about in harm's way.
"There's nothing that I can say to change what I've already done, but I still want to say these things. No matter how this ends, the one thing I don't want you to think is that I don't care for you… In fact, I care for you so much that I often don't know what to do with myself. It controls so much of my day, takes up so much of my mind, and yet I've never really told you…"
Aina squeezed Leonel hard, her eyes squeezing shut. pᴀɴᴅᴀ-ɴ(0ᴠᴇ)ʟ.ᴄᴏᴍ
She could remember all the times that Leonel had shown her care and affection, how much effort he had put into chasing her for so long and how persistent he was in making sure that she was always happy. There was never anything that Leonel did that hurt her that was done with another choice at hand, and even the things that did leave her shambles were actions he took that were for her benefit. Ultimately, he had wanted to protect her. But, how much had she protected him?
Aina could think of so many times Leonel's care for her was clear and obvious, but when she placed the same scope on herself… Why was it that she couldn't do the same?
What did she give him? Her body? Was that all she could do to show her affection? What then was different from her compared to any other woman?
But when Aina recalled her memories, remembering the ups and downs of their relationship, she realized that it wasn't that she hadn't done anything… It was rather that she was so focused on barring herself from the world that the things she had done might as well have not been done at all.
"I'm not very good at speaking about how I feel… But I… I want to become better at it even if it's embarrassing…"
Aina grit her teeth. These were things she never thought she would tell Leonel, things she thought she would take with her to the grave. However, faced with the idea of losing Leonel forever and realizing that maybe she might never have another chance like this, she had resolved herself to do it. And, there was no person better for her to lean on while she did so than the man she had before her now.
The reason she had attacked so viciously at the beginning, the reason why she had made it look like she was going to strike all out, was because this was the only way she could make certain that Leonel wouldn't dodge out of the way.
It sounded ridiculous when you said it like that. After all, she was attacking him, why wouldn't he move?
But, Aina knew Leonel very well. She knew him so well that she was certain that he'd be able to read the trajectory of her attack even when no one else could.
Aina understood where Leonel's head space was at right now. He probably wanted nothing to do with her. If she tried to hug him normally, it would have never worked. She had to catch him off guard…
It was ironic. But, only with his support could she speak these words. Because without him… She felt lost and alone.
"… I… I liked you from the first time we met… You always had a bright smile and everyone seemed to gravitate toward you… I couldn't really understand because… because your status was so much lower than theirs. Those noble kids liked to snub their nose at everything, but you seemed to always be able to get past those barriers.
"When you confessed to me a few days later, I was immediately overwhelmed. Embarrassment wasn't an emotion I think I had ever felt in life up until that point. But, for some reason, meeting gazes with you for the first time snapped something into place within me and it was as though I could finally feel within the normal range of what a person should…"
When Aina began, she seemed to still be hesitant and slow. But as she continued, her words flowed much smoother and faster. It became easier as she continued, as though it truly was just her and Leonel.
"… I really wanted to say yes, it was my first instinct. I didn't think about anything else and it was at the tip of my tongue. But my body shut down and I forgot how to think. I was too embarrassed to even respond so I ran away instead. And after running away the first time, for some reason, it only became harder and harder to say the word I wanted to from the very beginning…
"I began to make excuses and focus more and more on the very goal I had had from the very beginning. Revenge for my mother was too important to me to consider other things, or at least that's what I convinced myself of. And maybe it was one part true, but after seeing your talent, it became nothing more than an excuse I told myself to not be forced to confront it…
pᴀɴᴅᴀ ɴOᴠᴇʟ.ᴄO,ᴍ "Instead of facing my feelings, I hid from them and they began to pop up in the worst of ways. Sometimes it was benign, but other times it became very dangerous. I almost reached a point where I didn't care about anything else, so long as I could satisfy myself in these small ways no one else would ever know about…
"And… It all started with my hair."