Chapter 175: Some secrets can’t stay secrets forever
Cass didn’t know for how long he had cried, and he didn’t actually care, either. He just let the others take care of everything. The clean up, the planning, everything. Lucian was left to manage him, holding him and murmuring softly to him. Cass could barely understand what he was saying, and he honestly didn’t want to.
He just liked the rumbling feeling of another speaking to him. He didn’t really care what they were saying to him unless they were yelling at him. Then he was likely to cry more.
Cass still trembled every once in a while, his body still in shock. He wondered if the others had reacted this way, and he wasn’t exactly sure if he could remember if they had. He didn’t care what Lord Blackburn had to say right now. He wasn’t angry at him, but he was kind of taking it out on him.
He was the reason why all of this was happening to him. HIs bad decision was why Cass was here. Even if this Lord Blackburn hadn’t done it, another version of him had. It was a cruel thing to do, but what else could Cass do? He just had to fucking kill himself. Him! Caspian!
"Cassian. You’re in so much pain. I’m sorry." Lucian’s murmur got through to him and Cass curled in further.
It was a few minutes later when he felt Lucian growl. Cass jerked, surprised as he realised that a few people were near him. It wasn’t just him and Lucian anymore.
When he turned his head to peek over his shoulder, he found a rather stern-faced Lord Ridgewood, a compassionate Lady Ava and Vespertine, and an unreadable Lady Fiona.
"Lucy, we need to talk to him. I need to talk to him. Everything else is dealt with." Cass felt his heart jerk and Lucian growled, his grip tightening on him.
"What the hell did he do wrong that you’re all looking at him? Clearly something awful has-" Lady Fiona cut Lucian’s angry words off.
"-You know me better than that." There was a warning in her tone. "Cassian and I know more about each other than most. I just want to speak to him." Lady Fiona said. Cass felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t even scramble to figure out a way to fix this. His brain felt blank, except for the image of the metal slamming down on-
Cass squeezed his eyes closed tightly, his throat tightening and Lucian growled again.
"He’s not ready." He protested and Lady Fiona sighed.
"When were any of us ready to talk about what happened to us in previous dungeons?" Lady Fiona asked and Cass knew it was a good question. She was being kind, even though she needed an answer. He was kind of sure that everyone else didn’t get this kind of confrontation though.
It was only because this was such a foreign concept compared to where they had been before. What they were used to for their world. They didn’t use metal like this, not for building materials. Not the same way. They could see that this was a huge building being built. Cass was sure that like, big buildings weren’t a foreign concept, but they took years to build here, or magic to do so.
How the hell was Cass going to get out of this? Was it his destiny to die by Lady Fiona’s hands? Was he never going to be able to get out of it?
Cass felt tears roll down his face and Lucian snarled. It was clear he was reacting poorly to every little change in Cass’ emotional state.
"Fiona, I-"
"I can’t feel what you’re feeling right now, Lucian! Just because I can’t feel it, doesn’t mean that I can’t tell he’s greatly hurt by this. That doesn’t mean I can’t question him! It’s my fucking job, so back the fuck off! Do you think I want to be the bad guy?" Lady Fiona snapped, anger filling her expression. She was right. Who wanted to be the bad guy? There were very few people who did.
Vespertine grabbed Lord Ridgewood and Lady Ava, pulling them as he turned, moving away from the trio.
"We’ll be out of range, Fiona. I don’t want to cause more drama." That felt like a punch to the gut. He was causing drama. He was-
Cass let out a painful sounding laugh. Fuck. That’s all this was. He was being dramatic. He was overreacting. Fuck. Alright. That’s all it could be because it wasn’t like he could explain everything to them. He would just sound like some kind of insane person. A demon. Someone trying to manipulate everyone, even if he was truly sent by the gods. Those damn fucking fuckers.
Vespertine glanced back at Cass, frowning, but he didn’t say anything as he left. Lady Ava also glanced back, but Lord Ridgewood didn’t.
Soon, it was just Lucian, Lady Fiona, and Cass.
"You should go." Cass finally said, tapping on Lucian’s chest. He wasn’t sure he could deal with the way Lucian would look at him if he spoke. He wasn’t even sure what kind of nonsense justification was about to tumble out of his mouth.
Lucian’s grip tightened on him.
"No. You aren’t stable. You need me." Lucian said and Cass let out a bitter laugh.
"Just fucking go, would you?" Cass’ tone was dark. Heavy. Lucian froze, before grumbling and leaning in, pressing a kiss against Cass’ temple. It was shocking enough that Cass met Lucian’s gaze.
They were hard. Dark. Fully dragon and Cass nearly swallowed his tongue.
"Don’t say a damn thing you don’t want to." He ordered and Cass swallowed, nodding because that was the only thing he could do in the face of such an animalistic anger. It wasn’t even fully directed at him. He wasn’t even sure who it was directed at.
Lucian carefully took Cass out of his arms, off of his lap and placed him back onto the flat top of the wooden pallets he’d sat them on. Cass towered over Lady Fiona as Lucian stomped away, going in the opposite direction of the rest of the group. Cass’ issues had split the party and fuck if that didn’t make him feel ill.
He couldn’t even look at Lady Fiona for a long moment, his breaths coming in ragged breaths. This wasn’t how he wanted to be confronted. This was the least pretty way he could do it. The least satisfying. He was panting like someone ill, a panic boiling deep beneath his chest. He was choking on air.
"Cassian. Breathe." Lady Fiona ordered, her tone firm. "I’m not trying to interrogate you. Not really. I just..." She trailed off, coming close enough to him that Cass could see her feet in his downcast vision. "Are you okay?" She asked, clearing her throat nervously. Cass shook his head. He couldn’t even laugh.
"No." He admitted softly. "I want to be, but I can’t." He told her as he let out a shaky breath. "I can’t keep pretending like everything is fine." Cass’ lips trembled, his whole body trembled as the enormity of what he was about to say, what could happen, filled him. "Fiona..." Cass trailed off. Trying to get the strength to say the words. To speak them into existence.
"Sh. Lucy is going to kill me if you have more of a breakdown while talking to me." She whispered. "It’s a big secret, isn’t it?" Lady Fiona said. "They like to do that. Take the big ones." Lady Fiona whispered and Cass just nodded. It was one hell of a big fucking secret.
Cass gripped onto the edge of the pallets. His eyes were teary, blurring his vision as each tear fell. He could feel another panic attack coming on. It was like his body was making up for lost time. He couldn’t even tell if this was from himself, or from Lord Blackburn.
God, what a fucked up thing to even think, let alone say? Was this how people with multiple personalities felt? So fucking conflicted, all the damn time? Cass felt a sound squeak from his lips, but he couldn’t get more words out.
A strong, weathered hand landed on the back of Cass’ neck. Cass’ eyes watered more.
"It’s okay. Just breathe, Cassian. Breathe." Lady Fiona’s voice was firm. Not hard or harsh, but full of power. Cass followed it. It felt like it took forever, but eventually he was able to breathe easier, his muscles feeling like jelly with how tense he’d been. How tense he continued to be.
"It’s a big secret." Cass started again, his mouth feeling like sandpaper, his voice sounding terrible.
"Summon some water. Take a drink." Lady Fiona coaxed, practically holding him upright as Cass did as he was told. She was soothing him, caring for him, and Cass just knew with a sinking feeling in his stomach that everything was going to change once he told her the truth.
Cass couldn’t delay it anymore. It was going to make him even more ill the longer he put it off. He just knew it, and when he quickly glanced up at Lady Fiona, she seemed to know it too. Her jaw was tight, her eyes narrowed, and Cass couldn’t tell if that was due to the fact she was focused, or knew something terrible was going to come out of his mouth.
"Fiona...I...I died." Cass whispered. "When I got this head injury. I died. That’s why Ava saw my spirit leave." Lady Fiona’s hands remained steady as Cass told her this. He waited for her to say anything, and when she didn’t, he continued.