It wasn’t like Nero couldn’t stand or walk on his own. It was simply that, for whatever reason, the exertion required to do so was immense. It took up an immense amount of mental concentration to keep himself standing, as if he needed to maintain control over each individual muscle consciously.
He took a moment to stand up, gain his balance, and then straighten out his expression. It would take away somewhat from the seriousness of this conversation if he were making funny faces in between.
Once he was ready, he gave a nod to the lieutenant’s assigned assistant. A lieutenant was not quite high enough rank to get an assigned Aide-de-Camp (ADC), but a normal assistant was naturally necessary.
The difference between an ADC and a normal assistant was that an ADC was an officer, and had received sufficient training to handle most situations of varying confidentiality and diplomatic levels. In comparison, a normal assistant was at most a private or at most a corporal. Just as there were distinctions between officers, such as Specialist or Operational, there was also a difference between soldiers. They were either from the combat division, or from logistical or something along those lines.
Such random bits of information flashed through Nero’s mind as he followed the assistant and did everything in his power to focus on anything other than the excruciating effort each step he took required.
The assistant knocked on the lieutenant’s door and entered for a few moments before coming out.
"You may go inside," he told Nero and held the door open for him. Through the door, Nero could see him.
Lieutenant Earl’s expression was just as stern as it was the first time Nero saw him, and his frame just as solid. A new cast had covered his right arm, once again hiding the terrifying limb underneath. .
The man was the definition of professional, his uniform fitting him flatteringly, and not a hint of anything amiss on his face.
"What do you want?" the lieutenant asked, breaking the silence as he moved his gaze from the document he had been studying towards Nero.
The weight of his gaze... was heavier than Nero remembered.
"Permission to speak freely, sir?" Nero asked before elaborating.
"Granted. Now get on with it, I have things I need to do," the lieutenant stated.
"Sir, I came to you because I... was hoping you could answer some questions for me," Nero said, his mind once again working at full capacity to grasp all the details of the situation he was in.
The lieutenant did not seem offended by his statement, which was a good thing Lex supposed. Instead, he looked at Nero plainly, as if waiting for the questions.
"I had a brother, one that I used to look up to. He was stronger than me, faster than me, a better fighter than me, and he guided me well for as long as he could. He was... someone I looked up to a lot, before I lost him.
"I had someone younger than me too - someone who admired and looked up to me in the same way. Someone who made promises to surpass me and set me straight... someone that gave me a glimpse of what my brother might have felt like when he looked down on me. I lost him too."
It was fairly obvious who Nero was talking about, so he paused. He paused, hoping that the lieutenant would correct him, would tell him that he was mistaken. He did not.
"What’s the question?" the lieutenant asked, the faintest trace of compassion leaking into his voice.
"My question is... what do I do?" Nero asked, allowing for the first time to let some pain appear in his voice. He would have never done this before - never! Yet Vanessa’s words stayed with him. Sincerity spoke to people.
So, in this one situation, Nero did not try to manipulate, did not try to frame the question in a favourable way. He simply spoke sincerely.
"Do I kill those responsible? Do I let my anger win?" Nero continued to ask, not giving the lieutenant an opportunity to speak just yet. "But if I do that, my anger is enough to burn the world. Do I pursue justice? Or should I pursue vengeance? Should I let the system built in Kolar do its duty? But I have seen the flaws in the system, in the people within it, so how can I lay my trust in them?
"When I was a child, I believed in the justice of Kolar, in the brotherhood of the army, in the righteousness of the warrior. Now I find my belief scattered, my vision blocked by mist. Suddenly, I find myself lost."
The situation was not nearly as bleak as Nero made it sound, but his confusion was genuine. The reason, then, that he had come to the lieutenant to seek an answer was because Nero found himself respecting the man, genuinely.
Although he was strict, and stern, and kind of annoying with the rules, he clearly had a very strong code by which he lived. Currently, such a code was exactly what Nero was lacking.
If he did not find an answer right now, that would not stop his path. The one thing that did not change now, or ever, was his desire to grow stronger. It would just take a longer time for him to come to his own conclusion.
"’ When I was a child ,’" Earl mimicked with a harsh chuckle. He seemed amused, yet at the same time there was a hollowness in his eyes that said he might not genuinely laugh ever again. "You are still a child, child. Just because this is the oldest you have ever been, it does not take away from the fact that you are young."
The lieutenant studied Nero for a moment, and found that he did not seem as reprehensible as he usually did. Then he snorted. He did not believe people could change who they were - not so quickly, at least. Moreover, he was far too experienced not to realise what the difference was.
"A testament to your youth is how easily you have let the young girl from Nova wrap you around her finger. Such a solid soldier, undefeatable even against the mighty Exarch, brought to mental ruin because of a pretty girl’s words."
Nero shook his head.
"That’s not true. She merely pointed out some areas that I needed to work on. If the flaws did not exist, no matter how well she spoke, it would not have affected me," Nero stated directly.
There was no point in putting up any pretenses against the lieutenant if he could already see through a lot.
Surprisingly, Earl actually nodded, as if appreciating Nero’s words.
"You are taking my words as negative, but that is not how I meant them," he said. "Youth is not a bad thing. Youth allows for flexibility. It allows you to change what doesn’t work, and alter your habits more easily while they are still forming. Youth is your greatest advantage, do not squander it, nor should you undervalue it.
"If you are asking me as a soldier, then I will say you only need to obey orders. There is no need to think too much about complicated things, and just focus on completing your task to the best of your abilities. But if you are asking me as a young man... then I will give you the same advice someone very smart once gave me.
"Wealth without struggle, power without responsibility, and pleasure without limits degenerates the soul. In this world, it is easy to die, but it is also easy to become powerful, and wealth usually accompanies power. But what to do, then, with that power and wealth? Most act according to their whims, Nero. Only the truly strong, only the truly great seek out corresponding responsibility.
"The systems of Kolar that you speak of are the ideals of great men, manifested into this world, now operated by men who gained power too easily, and spent wealth too freely. If you want to be great, Nero, search for your own ideals - I will give you none. Or if you seek mediocrity, then act on your anger, act on your whims, do as you desire in the moment. Who, save those that have stood in your shoes, can judge you for your actions?
"All I offer is this: I am but a man, tainted by desires. I am but flesh, weakened by pain. The only thing that holds me true is my honour. You have lost some soldiers in your missions, maybe some friends, but I have lost a son every time a child under me dies, a daughter every time a mission fails.
"The weight of such loss is enough to destroy a hundred minds, let alone mine, yet my honour states that I not forsake my duty, and my duty states that I let those under me live, that I let them survive. I have no wealth but I have struggle, I have no power but I have responsibility, I have no pleasures left so what need is there to talk about limits? But I have honour, I have duty, so even when there are no easy answers, even when there is mist blocking my view, I must step forward, boldly and bravely, and I must find myself.
"If you are lost, child, then live, and create your own ideals. See the world, see what it has to offer, and decide for yourself the path you want to take. Greatness, or mediocrity? Oh, and do not take my previous words too seriously, because if you go astray, shoes or no shoes, I will judge you."