The Energy vanished, creating a feeling of asphyxiation.
The Energy came back, creating a feeling of immense relief.
It vanished.
It came back.
After an hour of this cycle, the feeling of relief became weaker.
Whenever the Energy returned, Kyle felt fear. After all, he knew what would come next. This was just a brief respite before he was thrown back into a world of suffering.
A day passed.
A week passed.
At that point, things changed again.
'I can deal with this,' Kyle thought as his body was crying out for Energy again. 'I can deal with this. I can deal with this.'
By now, the feelings had become very different. During his brief moments of respite, Kyle felt exhausted and nervous. Yet, when the Energy vanished, he actually felt some relief.
'This won't keep going forever,' Kyle thought as he resisted the urge to interrupt the Sixth Refinement. 'The pain and fear are here, and it won't get worse. I've been through this countless times. I know how this feels, and I know that I can survive.'
Paradoxically, the feeling of physical relief was contrasted by a feeling of anxiety, while the feeling of physical terror was contrasted by a feeling of familiarity and confidence.
When the terror arrived, he knew what to do to get through it, filling him with confidence.
When the relief arrived, he waited with anxiety. The pain and terror had always been the same, but what if that stopped? What if the next wave of terror was worse? The unknown future was the scariest part of the Sixth Refinement.
After a full year of going through the Sixth Refinement, Kyle's mind had entered a semi-conscious state. During the low periods, he looked forward in focus, his mind calm and empty. During the high periods, his Energy Sense inspected every single bit of dust in the surrounding thousands of kilometers.
'I can get through this,' Kyle thought with conviction. 'I know I can. I have not reached my limit yet. That's perfect!'
'The Seventh Refinement would probably bring me to my absolute limits. I feel like I could also get through the Seventh Refinement, but my mind says something else. Even though I feel confident, I consciously know that's also what the many reckless Sages had thought before they died to the Refinements.'
'This is not a sprint but a marathon.'
'As expected, the Sixth Refinement is perfect for comprehending the Major Law of Mind. I've gotten used to the Sixth Refinement by doing certain actions and distracting my mind, but that's not how I can comprehend the Major Law of Mind.'
Kyle's eyes narrowed.
'Danger and adversity can raise someone's power, but you also need to give it an opportunity. If you just run and try to survive, you won't grow nearly as much. Only by confronting it can you actually grow.'
'That's how I can comprehend the Major Law of Mind.'
When the next period of asphyxiation arrived, Kyle consciously stopped himself from dissociating.
Instead of pushing the terror to the side, he focused on it.
Instead of distracting himself, he offered the adversity all of his attention.
Kyle focused on his body and how it cried out for Energy.
He felt his mind and Soul dying.
A feeling of indescribable finality filled Kyle's mind.
It was so...
Dark.
Kyle gasped for air as Energy returned to him.
For a moment, he could only look forward in shock.
He felt like, if he had taken another step forward, he would have stopped existing. He felt like this was the closest he had ever been to death.
'If I had done that at the very beginning, I might have canceled the Sixth Refinement,' Kyle thought, his heart still shaking. 'Focusing on the pain makes it so much worse.'
'Distractions might not solve an issue, but they offer comfort. They make difficult situations livable. Without distractions, I wouldn't have gotten this far in the Sixth Refinement.'
When the next period of asphyxiation arrived, Kyle focused on the terror for just a moment before distracting himself again.
'Don't push yourself too far,' he told himself. 'The terror from earlier has pushed you to your limit. If you force yourself, you will go beyond it, and this might actually become dangerous.'
Kyle closed his eyes.
'You know that you won't do something crazy. You know yourself, and you know that you want to keep living. You know that you have a goal that you want to achieve.'
'However, you also have to admit that you are not yourself when you're reaching your limit. The you that's at his limit is a different person. Feelings overwhelm logic during a desperate moment.'
'During the most dangerous moment, all of your values shift, and you turn into a different person. The worst and most dangerous part is that, during these moments, you still believe you're in control. You still believe you're doing the smartest thing. You still think you're thinking logically.'
'Fear and rage don't delete logic. Logic still remains. You still make decisions based on variables.'
'However, these moments change the variables. The benefit of momentary emotional relief suddenly seems worth so much more than the thing you've been working on for a long time. From your point of view, it seems logical to punch your colleague in the face because of their behavior. After all, the others can't see just how fucking livid you are.'
'Yet, from an outsider's perspective, you're insane and irrational.'
'And when you finally calm down...'
'You realize that you've truly acted irrationally.'
'So, don't push yourself too much. Keep pushing whenever you have the strength, but don't go too far. Don't turn into someone else.'
Kyle kept talking to himself for several minutes before he felt like he had gathered enough mental energy for another try.
He once again focused on the terror and the pain.
The overwhelming nothingness of death and tragedy. The end of one's future. The realization that the sun wouldn't rise tomorrow. The feeling of knowing that this was the last time one would feel the wind or look at a sunset.
Finality.
Kyle took a deep breath as Energy filled his body again.
'That was even worse than the first time!' he thought.
For a moment, he felt like this was not worth it. He could just survive the Sixth Refinement by doing nothing.
Yet, as time passed, Kyle gathered enough confidence to try again.
Another moment of sheer terror passed.
'I don't feel like I can survive the next attempt, and that's a good thing,' he thought. 'It means my mental resilience is recovering. It means my mind is fixing its momentary exhaustion. My mind is not accumulating debt.'
A minute later, Kyle felt ready for another try. It was still terrifying, but he knew that he shouldn't run away.
Only by confronting the pain and working through it would he grow.
He focused again.
It was just as bad as the last times.
And again.
And again.
As the number of attempts rose, the intensity of the feeling also increased.
He did it again.
And again.
Eventually, he grew familiar with the feeling of finality, and that's when the intensity reached its peak.
It felt like the actual end, but Kyle also felt like that was it.
There was nothing more to it.
He had fully unearthed the feeling of dying.
It would not grow stronger anymore.
'And now that I've accepted it, I have to find a way to live with it.'
The author's patreon. If he gets more than 1000 per month, he will increase the number of words in the chapter.
/user?u=27791050