Chapter 53: I can’t be weak, I’m just an imposter
Cass would be the first to admit that he cried. It wasn’t something he was ashamed about. He’d actually used to go to the park and cry as a kid, so this wasn’t anything new to him. What was new was how many strange looks he received as he walked quickly around the park.
He too, was surprised by how quickly he was moving. Sniffing and snorting, he used his long sleeves to wipe away his tears and snot, pissed that the blood mixture had given him a burst of energy, and now he was wasting it on moping around. He couldn’t help it.
It felt like a valve had been turned, and now he couldn’t stop. He wasn’t sobbing, but the tears wouldn’t stop. He was genuinely distraught, and he wasn’t able to calm himself down. He needed to cry it out, and he hated it. He always hated when it got like this.
It had happened a few times. It had taken him hours to calm down the last time this had happened. He remembered that when he’d come back into the apartment, his fingers had been bright red and his sister had thrown a fit.
Fuck. He felt like a damn freak. This was the worst. He barely had any control on his feelings, on his body, on anything. He actually didn’t feel like he had control over anything. He couldn’t control what he ate, how he dressed, what he did for work, his marriage, his friends, nothing.
He didn’t even have friends, and his family practically wanted him dead. Before, that wasn’t a problem, not having anyone around him that could hurt him and betray him because he had his sister, but he didn’t even have her anymore.
Cass felt...he felt so fucking lonely, and this new revelation didn’t help. He knew what Lord Vespertine was, honestly, he wasn’t exactly hiding it from anyone in the hero party, but Cass hated that others knew more about him. Sure, Sam had told him about the rumours about him, and that his Mom was a fairy and potentially a dark mage, but he didn’t have any proof, and fucking Lord Blackburn, damn him, was a smart villain!
He didn’t write a damn thing down. Not a single crime! If he had, Cass certainly hadn’t found it. He was so proud, and frustrated at the same time, since it appeared that if Lord Blackburn was inside of him, like he now suspected, he was hiding his memories from him.
Cass couldn’t even really get mad at him. How could he? He was the interloper. He was the one who took over his body. He was the fucking monster in this situation. All it would take was one take over like he had been doing recently, and him saying he was trapped in his body with something else, and that was it.
Others probably would believe him. Especially in a time when Cass had brought up feeling like something was wrong, and both Lady Ava and Lady Fiona had dropped the topic like it was hot. Cass hadn’t even gotten clarification on that.
Fuck.
He didn’t feel like he was getting anything right. Everything felt like it was going wrong. Why had he wanted to show off to Lord Vespertine? What good would that do? What would it prove? He should have been more focused on how that would bring good publicity to his name when he revealed that he had started that trend.
That was what he should have been focused on. Not the damn way that Lord Vespertine had looked so shocked at Cass being capable of something, anything, not related to magic.
Fuck. He wasn’t even interested in him because he was Cass. He was interested in him because he thought Lord Blackburn was behaving strangely. Different.
That was all this was ever going to be.
No one was ever going to know Cass for Cass, which was probably why they thought what they had done was fine. That the hurt they caused, the emotional and physical pain meant nothing. Cass wasn’t Cass. He was Lord Blackburn.
Sure, he was more emotional than Lord Blackburn, he knew that, but there was a reason that he’d liked Lord Blackburn and Lord Ridgewood. They had been able to keep their cool when everything went wrong. They were calm. Collected.
Cass was always a fucking mess. Always one to throw hands before he asked questions. He was just putting on an act of being different, of being like him. He was never going to be like him.
Damn. He missed his sister.
He kept his feet moving, not allowing himself to stop. He wouldn’t look at anyone, and he couldn’t see anyone either. They were just blobs, his eyes pouring tears so fast he couldn’t see anyone’s face, just vague shapes.
His steps slowed down eventually, the burst of energy he’d received from the blood fading, and Cass felt disappointment like a sharp bite in his gut. Damn it. He really had wasted it. Fuck. He was such a damn failure. What a damn waste.
He probably could have done a lot with that, but now, he was never going to taste that again, and he was back to being...whoever the hell he was.
He was never going to ask Lord Vespertine for another bottle, hell, even another sip of that liquid. It would be too telling, and while he had been nice to him today, that didn’t mean that any of his other behaviours hadn’t happened. Cass needed to harden his heart, especially for Lord Blackburn.
He wasn’t going to be a villain anymore, but that didn’t mean that he was going to let their behaviour pass. Even if Lord Vespertine had practically hugged the evil out of Lord Blackburn in the carriage here, that didn’t apply to Cass. He had a lot of potential for evil inside of him. He was sure of it.
He needed to be hardened for the both of him. Whether Lord Blackburn liked it or not, and he was fairly certain he didn’t like it, Cass needed to keep his distance from them.
He wasn’t a part of the hero party. He wasn’t even supposed to be a part of it. Lord Blackburn had joined for selfish reasons, and then even more selfish reasons. He needed to expedite getting a divorce. He needed out.
He couldn’t get closer to these people. He couldn’t get closer to anyone.
Fuck. This whole trip into town had been ruined.
He’d gone into today so excited to see everything, see how things were different compared to his world, and here he was, doing the same shit, but in old timey clothes in the wrong body. Cass couldn’t help but laugh, and knew he must have looked extra unhinged right now.
That was okay. He was unhinged. Something was wrong, and he blamed the fucking creatures in charge of fucking up his life for it.
Cass sniffed, slowing to a stop to wipe his eyes in earnest, pressing his wet sleeves against his eyes and fought the urge to drop down until he was crouched into a little ball. He needed to maintain some of his dignity, even if he didn’t want to. He was just too well known in this damn body that wasn’t his.
"Lord Cassian?" It was a tentative call and Cass uncovered his eyes, his eyes still swimming as he met the blue gaze of the man before him. Lord Vespertine approached as if he was gentling a large animal, and even then, Cass stumbled back.
"W-What are you doing here?" Cass mumbled, embarrassed at being caught when he was still a mess. Lord Vespertine stared at him, his expression hard for Cass to see through the tears, but he was doing his best. He knew he sounded like he’d been crying. He was still crying.
He felt anyone would be shocked given this situation, and he watched as Lord Vespertine’s expression softened.
"You know something." He said softly, quietly, and Cass sniffed.
"And so do you." Cass shot back, frustrated, and Lord Vespertine’s expression softened further.
"Yes, we both know something about each other. Why are you so upset about this? I don’t think I’ve seen anyone, outside of Ava, cry this much." Cass didn’t like being compared to Lady Ava. He really hated it, actually.
"I am not Lady Ava." Cass spat, unable to contain his anger at what she had done, nor the anger that Lord Blackburn harbored for her. "Do not compare me to her." Cass felt his face crumble, and horrified, covered his face more. Lord Vespertine noticed the shift, his eyes widening and he moved closer.
"Lord Cassian, why are you so upset? This is...this is hard to watch." Lord Vespertine sounded exasperated, and Cass felt a hard ball of emotions push against his chest. It felt like a drumbeat, and Cass couldn’t help himself.
"If it’s hard to watch, you aren’t obligated t-to stay." He stuttered over his words, rushing to get them out. "You never had to. Why are you even bothering me? Just leave me alone." Cass’ voice was weak, frustratingly so. A loud sigh from Lord Vespertine had Cass flinching.
"Well, now you’ve gone and done it." He muttered and Cass felt sick to his stomach. Great. Just great. "Now I can’t leave you alone." Cass flinched, and began to struggle as he felt Lord Vespertine’s arms wrap around him.
"No! Let me go! You already said this was hard to watch, so just-"
"Because," Lord Vespertine cut him off. Cass froze as he felt the warmth from the other man wrap around him. His breath against his ear made every part of him tremble and pause. "I have never thought about you as being weak before, Lord Cassian. Not once. It’s difficult to watch because I’m realising that you’re...you’re human." Cass released a tense breath before he laughed.
Human, huh? Even he didn’t sound so sure.