Lucian, even if he was nervous, didn’t let Cass sit by himself in the carriage. Of course, he’d opened the door, escorting Cass inside and let him sit down, but once Lucian got into the carriage he grabbed Cass, picking him up and sliding him into his own lap. His arm was around his back, his big hand on his thigh. A constant support while Lucian’s other hand to Cass’ in his own, rubbing small, nervous circles in his skin.
He looked like he would rather be anywhere else, but like he also wasn’t going to miss an opportunity to be touching Cass. Lucian was never going to give up the option to have Cass in his lap and not protesting profusely.
Cass, for his part, wasn’t sure if he should be blushing or the colour of a bleached sheet. Both options felt fitting, but he wasn’t sure in what order.
"Cass? You don’t look well. Are you sure you want to discuss this further?" Lucian asked, his voice full of concern. "We don’t have to. In fact, I’m almost insistent that we don’t. I don’t think my hearts are willing to take too much battering. They’ve been unaffected by others’ actions until now. I am not sure I am as strong as I thought I was." Lucian said, a little breathless and a small smile on his lips.
It was clear that he was trying to make the mood lighter, not as serious, but Cass couldn’t let him. Not because he also didn’t want to have this conversation, but that he needed to have this conversation. Especially if this was going to continue. Especially after what he’d said to Edgar already. Fuck.
Why was this so hard? Why did people do this willingly? This was so damn stressful. It was easier when Cass could just punch people when he didn’t like them, or apologise when he didn’t like people but couldn’t hit them.
Cass stared down at the hands in his lap. How, even now, Lucian was holding onto him. His fingers interlocked with Cass’ and Cass moved his hand slowly, poking at the fingernails on his hand. He hadn’t had down time like this with Lucian before. Hadn’t had the time to get to know his body outside of a sexual connotation.
His nails were strangely sturdy. Thick. Hard. Probably because their other versions were sharp talons, able to cut through practically anything. Cass let out a soft exhale, his body feeling small in the other man’s lap. He just needed to start talking.
"I’ve never been in a romantic relationship before." Cass blurted out, ripping the band aid off. There was no point hiding it. He was sure that Lucian was aware of it too. Lucian’s soft exhale sounded suspiciously like a laugh.
"I had no idea." Lucian said and Cass felt himself frown. Liar.
"I know it’s obvious. You don’t have to lie to make me feel better." Cass muttered. "I’m aware that I react rather...extremely. Even before I was found out as a sex demon." Cass said and Lucian let out another soft breath.
"I wasn’t going to say anything, but honestly, I already suspected it. Before I would brush against your hand and you’d yank it away like I’d burned you." Lucian said, but Cass couldn’t remember a moment like that. He must be talking about when he was bullying Cassian.
"Well, it’s uh, deeper than that. I’ve also never really had...friends either." Cass admitted, his face warming. He didn’t look up at Lucian and continued playing with Lucian’s fingers wrapped around his hand.
"I see." Lucian said. He didn’t say anything else and Cass felt his emotions flare. Panic rising, anxiety rising, but he somehow managed to keep his tone even when he spoke again.
"I never saw the point in having close relationships. How I lived...people were selfish. They put others before them and the only person who didn’t was my sister. I trusted her, but I didn’t trust anyone else. Cassian was worse off, because at least I had my sister. He didn’t really have anyone."
"He had Sir Forsythe, didn’t he?" Lucian said softly and Cass scrunched up his face.
"I...I don’t know about that. Sir Forsythe is kind of known as a knight of the house who was loyal to my father. The human one. Even to this day. I do trust him, but...it’s complicated." Cass admitted. What else could he say? Sir Forsythe was there, and he didn’t add to Cassian’s pain, but he wasn’t able to take away from it either. He was more there to make sure that no one went too far with Cassian.
At least, that’s what it felt like in the memories.
"A-Anyway, enough about Sir Forsythe, what I’m trying to say is that...I’m unused to such relationships and I had no interest in them. To the point that I’ve often just considered myself asexual since I had no interest in anything related to it. I didn’t even look at porn as a kid." Cass said, then realised that Lucian wouldn’t know that term.
"Porn?" He repeated, twisting the word in his mouth in confusion. Cass wanted to kick himself. Fuck. Hearing him say the word porn like it was a strange foreign object was...uncomfortable to say the least.
"Uh fuck. Okay. Um, it’s a condensed word. It actually stands for pornography. Which means, um, sexual content? It’s kinda like watching other people have sex but you’re not in the same room?" Cass knew his face was flaming. "Sorry. It’s a term from my world and I-"
"Your world is capable of doing that?" Lucian asked, sounding a bit more on the horrified side of things then the excited side of things. Cass thought that Lucian might be excited to hear about that because, well, he was a pervert.
"Yeah." Cass admitted.
"Do the other parties know that it’s happening? That’s terrifying, Cass." Lucian told him and Cass felt his eyes widen. Lucian was upset that...there was a chance that the people being watched weren’t aware that they were being watched?
Oh, he was a pervert pervert. He wanted everyone willing and aware.
Cass felt his face warm.
"They get paid to do the act, Lucian, and for the most part, everyone is aware of what is going on. I’m not really aware of more details because, as I said, I didn’t watch this stuff when I was younger. Or older. I just didn’t participate in it at all." Cass muttered. Lucian’s hand on Cass’ thigh tightened.
"Oh. Okay. I was worried for a moment there. So, you didn’t participate. Is that supposed to mean something to me?" Lucian asked. Cass flinched. It was a valid question. Was it supposed to mean something to him?
"It’s ah, an example of how much I didn’t care for sex, or how little I thought about it." Cass clarified. "Most people have some interest in it. I was busy working and then later, going to school." Cass admitted. "My sister forced me. She wanted me to go to a secondary school for more education. To get a better job. Live a better life." Cass was rambling, embarrassed, confused, his emotions all over the place.
Lucian turned over Cass’ hand in Cass’ lap, squeezing it tightly.
"She seemed like a good sister. She cared for you deeply." Lucian told him softly and Cass nodded.
"She did. She wanted the best for me. She knew I liked men, and started harassing me about not bringing anyone around for her to meet. She wanted me to settle down." Cass said softly. "Like she had."
"That’s not a bad thing." Lucian said. "But there’s something more here you aren’t saying, Cass. I can feel it." Lucian was poking, but not being too aggressive. He was just giving Cass an out.
"I...I don’t know if I’m capable of romantic love." Cass’ voice felt quiet. Weak. "I’m scared of feeling it. I’m scared of not being able to meet your emotions the same way. I don’t like this. I feel naked, bare and I’m worried I’m going to make you upset because I can’t meet you at the same level. You want to bond with me, but what if I’m not capable of doing so? What if I can’t care for you the same way that you care for me? You spoke about your past lovers, at least one of them and how you felt nothing with them, but what if I’m the same? What if I am incapable of-"
"Sh." Lucian said, sliding his arm up and pulling Cass against his chest. "You’re panicking. It’s okay. Just take a few deep breaths." Lucian’s soft words washed over Cass but he couldn’t seem to actually calm down.
"No, this is serious. Edgar also told me he had feelings for me and I had to give him the same response. I don’t want you to get your hopes up. I’ve lived a long time without feeling my heart move for anyone. Nothing. Only animals and nature." Cass told him. "I seriously considered this. If I felt attraction to people it was for men, and it was fleeting. It never lasted." Cass felt his face press against the jacket Lucian was wearing, even felt Lucian squeeze his hand in his, his other hand patting his back.
"Then we figure it out together. I’ve spent long enough not being able to match others, maybe this is my penance for not taking their feelings as seriously as I want you to take mine? I’m okay with that, Cass. I can tell that you’re panicking, but there’s no need to. If anything, I am thankful that you told me about this. It makes some of your actions make sense, and less that you’re rejecting me but more that you’re worried about hurting me. It’s okay." Lucian’s words were like a balm to a wound Cass didn’t even know he had.
Cass dropped his head, breathing heavily as he rubbed his face against his clothes.
"How is this okay? How are you so calm? I just told you, in response to your confession, that I might never be able to love you." Cass said helplessly.
"Cass, you sound upset about it. That at least tells me that you care about me enough to be upset that you can’t match my feelings. That’s enough right now. That little bit of hope is probably what is going to keep my hearts beating while we’re away. The fact that it bothers you that you’re scared of your emotions and feelings isn’t something I should be so happy about, but I am." Cass shuddered, closing his eyes.
He shouldn’t be happy about Lucian’s words either, but there he was. Happy that Lucian wasn’t crying, wasn’t upset, but instead was accepting Cass’ words as they were. He was responding quite well to them, actually.
"Can I kiss you?" Lucian whispered against Cass’ ear and Cass shivered. This didn’t feel like the time that they should be kissing. This moment actually felt ridiculous to be doing so, but Cass found himself pulling back, his breath shaky as he stared at Lucian’s lips, his eyes darting to Lucian’s eyes before he had to look away.
Cass was the one who closed the distance, pressing a soft, chaste kiss against Lucian’s lips.
"There. A kiss." Cass whispered. Lucian chuckled.
"That was you kissing me, Cass. Not me kissing you." Lucian’s breath fanned Cass’ face and Cass let out a soft sigh. He cast his gaze up again, meeting Lucian’s gaze and he couldn’t glance away. The man’s eyes were too warm, too bright.
Lucian’s lips on Cass’ felt good. Deliriously good and Cass found himself pulling Lucian closer, kissing him deeper. What the hell was Cass doing to this man? What was Lucian doing to him?