Cass knew he was panicking. He was having a panic attack over the whole situation. He could feel that Cassian was deeper inside of him, which meant that all of Cass’ feelings were at the forefront. The anger, the fear, the shock.
Cass could only stare at his hands, or stare at one of the walls nearby, while his body shook.
"Cass, look at me. Please." Edgar’s soft whisper filled Cass’ ears and Cass shook his head slightly. He didn’t want to. Not after all of this. He didn’t want to look at anyone.
"Sweetness, please. We aren’t upset." Lucian spoke softly and Cass let out a shaky exhale. He wanted to be perfect, he wanted to be calm, but it sounded like he was fucking gasping and drowning.
He was, in a sense. This was the worst way he could have seen this being revealed. In fucking Lucian’s lap? After just telling the man that he’d killed him? He sounded like a fucking crazy person!
"No." The voice he spoke with sounded weak, flimsy. He was barely above a whisper.
"Cassy Baby. Please. We’re not upset." Lucian said and Cass didn’t believe him.
"How can I believe you?" Cass whispered, his voice hoarse. "None of you really reacted well to any of the other things I had to reveal." Cass whispered. Lucian cleared his throat and Edgar sighed.
"Cass, I was ready to accept whatever you told me." Edgar told him. "Whatever excuse you gave me, I was going to accept it. Did I think it would be something like this? With deep implications? No, but that doesn’t matter to me. The person I want to be around is you, Cass. I’m sure Lord Blackburn understands that." It was jarring to hear the way that Edgar was speaking, how Cass had been speaking to himself, about himself, out loud.
Cass let out a soft exhale, aware that his body was shaking but he couldn’t help it. He felt like a damn shocked animal. Something small and wet, like a cat or something.
He half expected Cassian to take over again and either agree or disagree with what Edgar had said, but that didn’t happen. As time ticked on, Cass felt embarrassed at how he was reacting and what he was reacting about. He was kind of talking down to himself over the fact that he was behaving this way. That he was shaking, crying, unable to make eye contact.
He was being a coward. He wasn’t known for being a coward in his previous life, so why was he so scared? Cassian Blackburn had enough money to create his own kingdom. He could pay people to deal with what was going on in this world. Why did the opinions of these people matter to him so much?
Cass could feel it. He knew what the answer was in his chest, but he was too scared to look at it head on. Once he did, it would mean he wouldn’t be able to look away from it again. Cass said he was able to cut ties easily, but that only came to people who were on the outside of his life. Look at him. He was still thinking about his sister and she wasn’t in his life anymore. If he let the men in anymore then he already did, he would be devastated.
Cass was man enough to admit it to himself.
"The gods tasked you with saving this world?" Lord Ridgewood asked. His voice was a little squeaky, so he repeated it in a clearer tone. Cass raised his head, looking towards the other man. He at first was confused at his question and why he was asking it, but when he looked at Lord Ridgewood, it became clear. Lord Ridgewood looked ill, like he had no idea what to do. This was a panic question, and honestly?
Cass was grateful that he wasn’t telling Cass how much he cared about him too. It would sound insincere from him, and Lord Ridgewood wasn’t a complete idiot.
"Y-Yeah." Cass hated how his voice was a little wobbly. He sniffed, flinching as Cass felt Lucian and Edgar gave him a warm squeeze. Lord Ridgewood looked a little upset at Cass’ words but waited to respond while Cass gathered himself. "They always wanted me, and were waiting for me to die. I died too early though. A mistake while walking past a building site. The dungeon." Cass clarified and Lord Ridgewood’s expression went blank, before it grew stormy.
"That’s so hard to hear, Cass. I’m sorry that that happened to you. But...what do you mean by mistake?" Lord Ridgewood asked and Cass swallowed. He cleared his throat, nervous.
"Well, I was a little upset at the whole situation and got out of the gods that it was an accident. Or, no, I’m wrong. They told me it was an accident. I demanded a perk since I was killed due to a mistake on their part." Cass said, recalling what felt like ages ago. A low rumble started from Lucian, and even Lord Ridgewood’s face darkened. Cass couldn’t see Edgar’s face so he couldn’t see how he was reacting, but the tension in Edgar’s body told Cass that he was upset by his words as well.
"It was a mistake on the gods part?" Lord Ridgewood asked. His voice sounded dangerous. Cass was a little surprised that someone who was a holy knight sounded so upset at something like that. Cass shuddered, nodding.
"Yeah. I was pissed too. There were a bunch of steps too, for me to figure out where I was, what was going on, all those things. I will admit, I did get a little heated." Cass said, not really sounding apologetic for his behaviour.
"I would bite their heads off." Lucian muttered darkly and Cass gave a snort.
"I couldn’t do that because I couldn’t see them. I’ve never been able to see them but they could see me." Cass said and Lucian grunted, annoyed, but didn’t say anything further.
"I hope, before you made your deal with them, that you got everything that you could." Edgar said firmly and Cass was a little surprised by the firmness of his tone.
"What do you mean by that?" Lord Ridgewood asked Edgar and Edgar sighed.
"Well, I just don’t trust the contracts that gods or demons make. I feel like both have hidden truths inside of them." Edgar said and Cass nodded in agreement.
"Yeah. The future was told not from my perspective, but from someone else’s. As in, not Lord Blackburn’s POV and instead someone else’s." Cass told the group. Lord Ridgewood stared at Cass, interested. There was a slight sparkle to his gaze.
"You know the future, but as a story?" He asked and Cass flinched. He was out of sorts from this whole situation, and it was on Cass for letting him run his mouth without any control.
"I don’t want to answer that." Cass said, licking his lips, and Lord Ridgewood’s face lit up slightly. He sat forward on the sofa, leaning in on his knees as he stared at Cass. He looked excited to learn something new. Cass had actually seen a little bit of this before when he had first been learning things from Cass in the dungeon before he remembered that he couldn’t like Cass at the time.
Now that that was gone, Lord Ridgewood was free to be excited and curious, much to Cass’ dismay.
"That’s...so interesting! Who was it? Was it someone in the hero party? I mean, it probably was, given how closely you know our moves. Does that mean you also know what dungeons are going to pop up? Do you know how to defeat the demon king?" He was throwing question after question and Cass wasn’t sure how to respond. Edgar let out an annoyed huff.
"Gideon, are you fucking serious right now? Cass just told us that he’s died, twice before, and all you care about is things pertinent to you?" Edgar sounded disgusted and the curiousity faded from Lord Ridgewood’s face immediately. Cass felt bad for the guy.
Cass turned to Edgar, catching the way that Edgar was looking at Lord Ridgewood. He truly was looking at the other man like he was dirt on his shoe. Cass didn’t think Lord Ridgewood was doing anything inherently bad. He was just asking questions. He was distracting Cass from other truths by making his brain work in different ways.
"Edgar, Gideon didn’t do anything bad. You shouldn’t talk to him that way." Cass said. Edgar looked a little confused that Cass was speaking to him that way.
"You don’t have to defend me. It was tactless to ask the questions that I did." Lord Ridgewood said and Cass honestly felt like Edgar’s reaction was out of turn. Cass shook his head, his eyebrows drawn.
"No, it wasn’t. You don’t know how the hell to navigate whatever the fuck is going on here, so you went to something you could navigate. Honestly, I’m really not liking how you two are treating him in this situation. Honestly, he wasn’t the one who was trying to kill me, it was Edgar’s father, the asshole." Cass said and everyone grew a little uncomfortable. Lord Ridgewood looked the most uncomfortable.
"You don’t...you don’t need to defend me, Cass. Please. Just...let me take the blame. I’m okay with this." Lord Ridgewood said. Cass shook his head.
"No. I really hate this treatment of you. We need to nip it in the bud. You’re a part of the hero party, and if this thing is to continue to work, you need to stay in it. All of you do, minus me." Cass said and that was when the whole room protested.
"Absolutely not." Edgar said stiffly.
"You aren’t going fucking anywhere." Lucian growled.
"I don’t think that’s a good idea." Lord Ridgewood said and Cass gave a soft chuckle.
"For all you know, my being here, Lord Blackburn’s being here is the reason why the world ends. Why the hell would you want me here when it could cause that to happen?" Cass asked. Edgar and Lucian did not look convinced. Not even Lord Ridgewood looked convinced.
"They wouldn’t announce you as a hero if that was the case." Lord Ridgewood said, speaking with authority. "That, and you would have left right away if that was actually the case. You held no bonds to us when you woke up. Why would you stay?" Held no bonds? That wasn’t exactly right.
Cass held bonds, but they were the bonds of a reader, not as a participant in the story. He had wanted to see things up close and personal. Little did he know how up close and personal with some of the members of the hero party he would get.
"I wanted to know how you all behaved. If what I knew of you was actually true, or if it was false." Cass admitted quietly. "I also...wanted to know if it was all true." Cass said.
"What was all true?" Lord Ridgewood asked and Cass swallowed.
"If Lord Blackburn actually was a villain, or if it was just the brush that everyone else painted him with." Cass said.
"Well? Was he?" Lucian asked softly and Cass didn’t know how to answer it.
"I’m still trying to figure that out."