"Mother... why have you come here so late in the night?"
I go straight to the point, my eyes flashing with cautious skepticism. As someone who has experienced the kind of hold our mother had on us as children, her purpose for coming is very evident.
But perhaps I am judging too harshly.
The last thing I want to do is assume and misjudge my mother merely based on my past experiences.
"Javier... you’ve grown up quite a bit." My mother makes a sad smile and begins reminiscing on when I was still a child. "Having you was the greatest challenge I ever faced. I spent nearly half a day in labor. I thought I would die. But... I didn’t. You came out, a healthy baby boy. I still remember when I held you in my arms. That was the happiest day of my life..."
"...."
I stare at her without showing any emotion on my face.
I have heard this story multiple times before, so it doesn’t really move me. What is most peculiar, though, is why she is bringing it up now.
"My son... I always knew you’d grow up eventually. It still feels like a dream, but sixteen years have come and gone in the blink of an eye. In two days, you’ll be recognized as the Heir, and I couldn’t be any prouder. This is something you’ve been looking forward to your whole life."
She pauses and stares me in the eye.
"Is it not something you want any longer?"
I remain silent and think about her question. It’s not like I haven’t considered the matter before.
In fact, it’s one of the things that concerns me.
’If I am not heir, the position will fall on Craig... but I do not want to burden him with all of the responsibility and expectations that come with that role. Selicia is a woman, so she can’t become Heir. Which means... one of the Minor Families might come and contest for that position.’
If that happens, it could become catastrophic for our Main Family, which has been in power for centuries. It is very likely that we will not survive if we lose the current torch that we possess in the eventual scramble for power.
I know my family is trying to avoid that scenario, which is why they will not easily let me off.
In their eyes, regardless of how talentless I am, I remain the most suitable candidate for Heir. I am the greatest piece they can use to ward off those hungry hyenas and secure the position of our Main Family.
"I will be Heir, but I still choose not to be a Knight," I respond to my mother with resolution.
"How can the Heir of a Knight Household not be a Knight? My son, that logic is tainted, is it not?" She quickly swoops in and retorts. "I understand if you have other interests, but why not set them aside for now? Hmm? You can always pursue them once you complete your studies in the Knight Academy."
Lies.
What an obvious lie her words are.
I can only wonder how this woman can lie to me with a straight face like this.
’After the Knight Academy, the Household will ensure I become a disciple of Master, or someone of considerable status—to build my connections and improve my abilities. Even when I return home after discipleship, I would be too busy with minor administrative tasks and family missions that I certainly would not have time for anything else.’
In essence, her words are a trap.
My mother wants me to rely on those words and set aside my goals to pursue what the family desires from me. But, once I begin... I cannot stop this endless downward spiral.
I will truly be trapped.
"Javier, I know you’re a good child. You are a filial son. You always look after your siblings, and you put the family first. Don’t you see how damaging your actions will be to all of us? Just think about it for a moment." My mother slowly draws closer to me, gently planting her hand on my cheek while staring at me warmly.
"Mother, I—"
"We are all born into this world with certain responsibilities on our shoulders. I love your father, and I am happy to be blessed with my lovely children, but do you think it was my choice to be married into this Household? No. But I did what I had to do for my family. Your sister will also be married off for the same reason. You and your brother have to be the foundation of this family, especially you as the Heir."
"But it isn’t what I want to do..."
"Sometimes, we all have to do what we don’t want to do in order to give us the best results."
"...."
"My son, I’m only saying all of this for your own good. I have nothing to gain from this, Javier, trust me. A mother only does what is best for her children. Would I ever lie to you? I am your mother. I only have your best interests at heart. Listen to me, I am not your father, alright? I won’t force you into anything, but just think about it and tell me... isn’t this for the best? Once you do as he says and you finally become Head, who will be able to question you in the entire Household? You will be able to do whatever you like, including pursuing all the passions you have. Javier, you still have time. Just do this one thing, for yourself. For the family. For me."
Her eyes glisten as she looks at me pleadingly.
All of her words drip with sincerity, and I am nearly swayed by them due to the influx of emotions that assail me. Even though I already know my mother’s tactics, it is very difficult to resist them.
I can see why none of us were able to go against her wishes before.
But I am not the same person I was in the past.
I have changed!
"Mother..." I speak calmly and softly, slowly taking her hands away from my cheek. "I want to be Heir, and I will indeed place the family in my considerations."
"Good, Javier, so—"
"But I will never sacrifice my happiness for anyone. Not you. Not father. Not even my siblings."
Her eyes widen as she stares at me.
"There is no time at all. I will never be able to pursue my dreams if I keep postponing my desire to act on them. Life is always a series of activities, and if I do not firmly plant my heels now to choose my path, I will forever be pushed aside by the expectations of others. You married father and managed to find happiness in this Household, but I am certain... there is no happiness waiting for me down this path. It simply isn’t what I want to do."
"How can you be so sure if you haven’t tried?"
I wish I could tell my mother about my past life, but that would only look silly in her eyes.
Besides, I don’t want to endanger her with such information, especially since even I am not aware of the details behind it. So far, no one besides me knows, and I intend to keep it that way.
"I just know it!" I place my hand on my chest and stare at her with absolute seriousness. "I feel it in my bones that this isn’t the path for me. I can stake my life, everything I have, on that."
"You silly child... what are you talking about? You can’t make decisions based on your feelings."
"It isn’t just feelings."
"This new path that you want to take, how are you so sure it will lead to your happiness? What certainty is there that it will bring you success? Life is so unpredictable. You may think you are grown up, but you are still a child. You do not see the real world the way we do. We are your parents, Javier. I am your mother. We have experienced life, and we know what it is we speak of. I am being honest with you... It is best to heed my words."
I silently shake my head and offer my mother an insightful and knowing smile.
"Even if I fail in the end, I will be satisfied with my choice." As those words leave my lips, I see tears trickle down my mother’s face. "What matters is not truly the destination, but the journey... and the meaning behind the steps a man takes towards their goals."
Many walk on the path of life, but only very few ever reach the end with the achievements they sought out once they started. Most men die without fulfilling their dreams—such is life.
In that sense, what is most important isn’t the fulfillment of the dream, but how far one goes towards the dream itself. If I desire to be a Scholar, then I simply walk down the path of a Scholar.
So what if I do not succeed in the end? What if I die before I complete that goal?
At the end of my life, I will be satisfied that I chose to do what I wanted and will have no regrets.
Since it is humanity’s instinct to desire longevity, and immortality is out of reach, the best thing a man can resolve to do is live their life to the fullest. To do things that they want to do—whether that is eating a meal they enjoy, pursuing the woman they love, or traveling the world in search of treasure.
So what if I perish or encounter destruction while on that path?
As long as I persevere, never for once wavering in the choice I make, right until the very end, then I will be able to say to myself that I have truly lived life with no regrets.
"Do you understand, Mother?" I ask her after explaining my resolve to the best of my current abilities. I hope she can finally see the truth—that I refuse to change.
WHACK!
The next thing I feel is a stinging sensation on my left cheek. It is hot and painful, but not unbearably so. Yet I am shaken... because my kind, gentle, and fragile mother... has just hit me.
"Y-you... you inconsiderate son! Did I truly not raise you right? Don’t you see that what you’re doing will ruin everything for us? Even if you don’t care about yourself, what about me? What about the family? Do you not care about us?!" At this point, my mother yells at me, even proceeding to slap me the second time.
I allow it.
She slaps me the third time, but I catch her hand before she can give me a fourth.
"Javier! When did you become like this?! Why are you causing me so much heartache?! Do you know what your father is saying? What he intends to do? Do you know just how many insults I have received today... all because of you?! I carried you in my womb for nine months! I nurtured you all your sixteen years! Why can’t you do this one thing for your mother?!"
I calmly stare at her, my expression emotionless.
It isn’t that I do not feel emotions overwhelming me, but I have long decided to remain tough as a monolith. When it comes to my path in life, I choose to be unmoved by anything in the world, not even my mother.
’I lived for you and the family in my past life already. I satisfied everything you wanted, and I made you proud. But I will not pay for all that in this life as well. It isn’t my fault that you forsook your own happiness for the sake of your family, and it is certainly not my burden to bear now...’
Looking at my mother, I can tell she sacrificed a lot for the same reasons I did.
She most likely had other interests and aspirations, but her role demanded that she be married off. She probably had someone else she loved, but she ended up with my father. Even now, she would rather be enjoying her sleep, but she has to talk to her disobedient son.
I can understand her.
But I will not take responsibility for her actions. She is my parent, so it should be the other way around!
"Forgive me, Mother... but I am not responsible for your happiness," I tell her point-blank. "As a person, I have my own life to live... and I refuse to live for anyone else."
This is the path I have chosen.