I learned how to live with my pain, I learned to ignore all that happened with me in childhood just so that I could move forward in my life. But it was not that I overcame my pain, my fear....it was just that I learned to live with it....
The realization settled calmly within him. He had not conquered anything. He had simply adapted, placing distance between himself and the memories so that they would not interfere with the path ahead.
But now that I am reliving all those things again...I am not sure how I will react, will I crash out?
The thought lingered for a brief moment. Re-living something is not the same as remembering it. Memory feels distant and muted, but reliving brings back the same atmosphere, the same helplessness, the same weight pressing against the chest.
But, Ash just shook his head at that absurd thought, dismissing it with quiet certainty. Be it anything else, he was sure he would not be crashing out, not with how old he is now and how much his personality has changed over all these years through experience and hardship.
He might have crashed out if he was still the same boy who had just transmigrated into this fantasy world, inexperienced and unstable, still carrying his trauma without understanding it.
But he was not a boy. Not anymore.
He has experienced things far worse than what just a memory of the past could inflict. Compared to battles he had survived and choices he had made since then, these scenes were painful, but they were not enough to break him.
"But personally I think, this case is quite special."
Hearing these words, Ash again focused on the discussion of those three psychiatrists, shifting his attention from his own thoughts to them.
"Huh? What do you mean by that, Sir?" NPC 1 and NPC 2 asked with confused expressions, leaning slightly forward as curiosity replaced their earlier confidence.
They knew that this case of Ash was special. It was not everyday you would see a child committing a murder at such a young age. But from the tone of NPC 3 just now, measured and thoughtful, they realized that there might be something more hidden from their inexperienced eyes, something beyond what textbooks and basic observations could explain.
Looking at their confused and curious expressions, NPC 3 gave a small smile, not mocking but patient, as he continued, clearly preparing to explain a deeper perspective that required them to think beyond surface level conclusions.
"Personally, I think the mind of that child Ash has developed in quite a unique way."
"What I mean to say is that I think that child Ash is closely attached to the person named Nancy. Don’t you find it strange that a boy who trusts nobody has decided to trust a little girl?"
NPC 1 and NPC 2 exchanged a sharp look at NPC 3 as if he had suddenly drifted away from the main topic. They could not understand where he was heading with this line of thought, because to them the case was about trauma, violence, and behavioral patterns, not about a simple attachment between two children.
But NPC 3 continued, unfazed by their confusion.
"I personally think his brain has gotten attached to that girl Nancy, not because he loves her in the way people romantically define love, but because it has deeply ingrained the idea that as long as he stays with her, nobody will harm him or nobody can harm him. When a child grows up in constant threat, the brain starts searching for a stable anchor. In his case, Nancy became that anchor."
He paused briefly, then clarified further.
"Love at a young age? I don’t think those childish minds could actually comprehend the true significance of what love as a feeling is. At that stage, emotions are experienced, but not fully understood. They are attached to each other, and since they do not have the emotional education to differentiate attachment, comfort, dependency, and affection, they simply label it as Love."
NPC 1 frowned slightly, still trying to follow the reasoning, while NPC 3 elaborated.
"But is that truly what love is? In this world, people are just too under knowledged. There are many important topics that are not taught in institutions. Schools teach facts, formulas, and outdated theories, but they rarely teach emotional intelligence, self awareness, or how to understand one’s own feelings. So when people experience strong emotions, they struggle to define them correctly."
"They do not teach what life truly demands from a person. They do not teach practical emotional skills that come handy in real situations. They do not teach about love and feelings, relationships and how to manage them. They do not teach how to balance work, study and love if there is. Because of this gap, many people grow up misinterpreting their own emotions."
"Due to this, people confuse many things. They might think what they are feeling towards a certain girl is Love, but how can you be sure it is not Lust, or dependency, or simply the fear of loneliness taking the shape of affection. Without guidance, emotions easily overlap."
He adjusted his glasses before continuing.
"Love....I would say is quite complicated. Those who fell in True Love either lived a very beautiful life shaped by mutual understanding and growth, or that love in turn destroyed their life, making it hell because it was unbalanced or misunderstood. True love requires maturity, self awareness, and conscious choice. And my mind says, a child that young does not know in any way what True love is, because such depth cannot form without life experience."
"I believe his brain has simply made Nancy a symbol that is connected to safety and security. When a person lives in fear for long enough, the mind forms strong survival associations. Near her, his nervous system calms down. His mind relaxes. He shows more of his humane side because he does not feel threatened. But if he is not around her, he enters a state of high alertness, because the environment once again feels unsafe, and his survival instincts react automatically."
NPC 1 and NPC 2 fell silent after that, finally beginning to understand that what they were observing was not childish romance, but a psychological survival mechanism shaped by prolonged fear and repeated exposure to danger.
This revelation was not that shocking, it was simply a matter of perspective. When seen from one angle, it looked like immature affection. When seen from another, it became a defense mechanism formed by necessity.
Sometimes, a person’s perspective is just so different that it makes you quite shocked, not because the situation itself changes, but because the interpretation reshapes everything you thought you understood.
But unknown to both of them, there was also another person who was equally, if not more, shocked than them.
After hearing those words, Ash started to feel strange...
He started to feel cold, as if something unseen was slowly numbing his entire body from the inside. His illusionary body seemed to function just like a normal human body, responding to stress and fear with the same physical reactions, as if it were made of real flesh instead of memory.
Ash could feel his heartbeat in that body starting to increase, each beat heavier and faster, thudding against his chest in an uneven rhythm. His blood flow intensified, rushing rapidly through his veins.
But instead of feeling warmth from that surge, his body began to feel numb, especially in his hands and legs. The numbness spread gradually, dull yet uncomfortable, making it harder for him to feel grounded. His chest started to contract as breathing became harder for him. It felt as if invisible fingers were tightening around his lungs, reducing the space for air. His chest felt tight and his breathing became hard and shallow.
His mind continuously repeated the words of NPC 3 like a constant radio that refused to turn off, replaying the explanation about safety, attachment, and survival again and again without pause. The more he tried to ignore it, the louder it seemed to echo inside his head.
His mouth went dry, as if all moisture had suddenly disappeared, and his hands started to shake in small but noticeable tremors. He clutched his chest with those shaky hands, trying to steady himself, as a tingling sensation spread throughout his fingers and legs, sharp and unsettling, making his entire body feel as though it was caught between panic and paralysis.
Damn it!!! Why am I experiencing a anxiety attack now!!!
The thought burst through his mind in frustration, but even as he said it, he knew he was lying to himself. He certainly knew why he was going through this.
Right now, his mind was questioning his whole life, tearing through memories he had long placed in safe corners.
All those moments. All that time spent with Nancy. The quiet talks. The shared silence. The strange sense of relief he always felt when she was near. Was that simply his mind craving peace and security? Was she nothing more than a psychological anchor his brain had created to survive chaos? Had his attachment been genuine emotion, or just a defense mechanism disguised as something pure?
Was all that he felt till now false?
The question did not come gently. It hit him like a crack through glass.
His breathing grew more uneven. Each inhale felt shallow, as if the air itself had thinned. His heartbeat pounded violently in his chest, not just fast but forceful, as though it was trying to escape his ribs. The numbness in his hands intensified, turning into a prickling sensation that crawled up his arms. His fingers trembled harder, refusing to stay still no matter how tightly he clenched them.
His vision blurred slightly at the edges. The room felt distant. The mirror, the bed, the figures of the psychiatrists, everything seemed just a little unreal, as if he was watching it from underwater.
Ash felt his worldview collapsing, not in a loud dramatic shatter, but in a silent internal implosion. The foundation he had built his understanding upon was being questioned all at once. If what he believed to be affection was simply a survival response, then what did that make him? Were his emotions ever truly his own? Or were they just calculations his mind made to reduce fear?
This anxiety attack was familiar yet unfamiliar at the same time. He had felt panic before. He had faced death before. But this was different. This was not fear of an external threat. This was fear of losing the meaning of his own past.
His chest tightened further, and for a brief second he genuinely felt as if he might suffocate. Not because there was no air, but because his body refused to breathe properly. His throat felt constricted. His jaw tightened without him realizing it. Sweat formed lightly at his temples despite the cold sensation running through him.
He felt as if he was standing naked in front of a truth his mind had never allowed him to confront. Stripped of every comforting interpretation. Stripped of every justification. Or maybe he was finally seeing with unbearable clarity the truth his mind had carefully hidden behind illusions, because some lies are not meant to deceive others, but to protect oneself.
And the possibility that his most precious memory was just a coping mechanism shook him more than any battle ever could.
***