Cheongwol knelt before the Buddha statue.
Her heart was in turmoil with complicated emotions. These feelings were rougher than ever before.
Only her outward appearance remained calm. Beneath it, a raging torrent threatened to swallow everything about her.
Cheongwol.
The dharma name bestowed upon her when she took refuge in the Emei Sect.
It was a name that meant to shine with a clear, pure light upon oneself.
Why did I receive this name? Why did I enter the Emei Sect?
...Ah, it was because I wanted to become some-one like Sect Leader Muwol Satae.
To protect myself from the blades of fearful bandits.
To stand alone in a world without parents to rely on.
That dharma name was the one I took to keep from losing myself.
It was my name, my shelter, my will.
...
...But am I truly myself right now?
Am I protecting myself?
Is this life, bound by all sorts of precepts and rules that suppress my freedom, truly something I can call 'me'?
Am I not merely a 'product' shaped by the sect, rather than a true practitioner?
They say that through cultivation and asceticism, one comes to know oneself, but Cheongwol could no longer discern the truth in those words.
The more she endured the trials, the more it felt like she was losing herself.
Cheongwol's gaze rested on the Buddha statue, but her eyes found no peace.
-Rattle.
Someone had come to see her.
A breeze entered the incense-filled meditation hall.
...
"How could you act like that?"
It was her master.
Even with her master's arrival, Cheongwol did not turn around.
"Cheongwol. What is it that drives you to this?"
...
"I often feel lost. One moment you seem improved, shining with bright light, and the next you sink into such darkness. Can't you share the anguish in your heart with me?"
"If I speak..."
Cheongwol whispered.
...
"If I speak, will you help me? Or will you merely bind me with yet another precept? Master, please don't think my words irrelevant. But... based on everything I've learned so far, even if I pour out my true feelings, all that returns is a scolding."
I hate Gayeong. Han Seojin... I like...
She couldn't even voice that simple truth here.
This was the Emei Sect.
The long-forgotten sense of restraint felt suffocating. Breathing was unbearably hard.
...
"So you're saying you'll keep acting this way from now on? At the Dragon-Phoenix Assembly, opened to foster camaraderie, you'll rampage like a thug and trample everyone?"
"When did I ever say I wanted to foster camaraderie?"
"What?"
"Didn't I participate in the Dragon-Phoenix Assembly solely at the behest of the Sect Leader and you, Master? Where was my own will in this? I obediently followed orders and delivered results... yet all that comes back is reproach. So how could I dare confess my true heart to the Sect Leader or you?"
...
"Cheongwol—"
"—Why? Are you going to blame me again...?"
...
"And is this truly a bad outcome? It was you, Master, who wanted to elevate the Emei Sect's prestige. If we'd only shown my martial brothers' pathetic displays, the sect's reputation would have hit rock bottom. I'm the one lifting it up. Is it so hard to say, 'I'm glad we have you'?"
"Everyone saw your violent behavior clearly! Even after the match was decided, you trampled Senior Brother Baekdam in a trance-like state—everyone witnessed it! That is not the image the Emei Sect should present!"
Something twisted inside Cheongwol.
Words spilled out, sincere or not, she couldn't tell.
...
"It's the weak one's fault, not mine."
...
"What?"
Cheongwol flinched at the sound of her own voice for a moment.
But she squeezed her eyes shut and spoke to Soun again.
"Even if I crushed Senior Brother Baekdam, doesn't it benefit the Emei Sect in the end?"
"Cheongwol...!"
"Master, hear me out properly."
Cheongwol held her breath. Soun did the same.
Faint winds carried the lingering heat of the ongoing Dragon-Phoenix Assembly.
'Cheongwol! Cheongwol! Cheongwol!'
'Cheongwol! Cheongwol! Cheongwol!'
Soun fell silent at those voices.
Cheongwol smiled as she spoke.
"If this isn't a good result, then what is?"
****
"Cheongwol's opponent forfeited."
...
"You're quick."
I was sharing drinks with the uncles, talking about the day's events.
We were all left speechless.
The image of Cheongwol mercilessly crushing Baekdam was still fresh in everyone's minds.
Those dazed eyes. The sword path without hesitation. She really stomped him without mercy.
Even though Baekdam was a major supporting character in the novel, I figured their skills would be evenly matched.
But when push came to shove, he wasn't even a proper opponent.
If it had been a real sword, Baekdam would've died here several times over.
So I could understand the forfeit.
That means... round of 16.
Cheongwol seemed to grow stronger with each passing day. At this level, breaking through to the peak wasn't far off.
The money piling up in my hands was growing too.
Since I was reinvesting everything I earned, it was accumulating steadily.
Though starting tomorrow, the odds might drop a bit.
Crushing Baekdam was definitely shocking. Breaking the leg of Mount Hua Sect's most promising later-generation disciple...
Despite showing such a violent side, Cheongwol's reputation was improving day by day.
People ultimately crave exciting topics.
As long as they chalked up her ferocity to excitement from her first tournament, it was easy to smooth over.
And above all, no one could resist being captivated by such overwhelming strength...
She had created fanatics through inaction alone...
Uncle Machildeuk looked at me and spoke.
...
"Why the long face, Seojin? Shouldn't you be thrilled? You're on a winning streak."
"Yeah? Ah... yes. I'm happy."
"That doesn't look happy at all."
...
"Haha."
Yeah. Why does it feel so off?
My heart felt strangely uncomfortable.
Of course, it was probably because I'd seen Cheongwol breaking down.
But this felt different from before.
Previously, seeing her like that filled me with anxiety and fear... This time, it was this indescribably weird discomfort...
-Thud!
Gu Yeong Uncle slammed his glass down roughly, venting his irritation.
"Of course it bothers you. If you're human."
Uncle Machildeuk noticed Gu Yeong Uncle's unusual demeanor and tried to calm him.
"Brother, why the sudden outburst? You've had too much to drink. It's a good day—don't say weird things. Here, have some water—"
"Cut it out, Seojin."
"Yes?"
"Enough with Lady Cheongwol! Stop toying with her! How heartbroken must she be to act like that!"
...
"No, brother. Why is this Seojin's fault? He was just watching—"
"—Be quiet, Childuk. I'm not joking right now."
I too stayed silent, having rarely seen Gu Yeong Uncle this furious.
"Yeah, I get it. A nun's feelings might feel burdensome and annoying. Even so! Pushing her away like this is stupid and cruel. I didn't raise you like this."
Uncle Machildeuk muttered from the side.
...
"You were raised more by Brother Gwak Du than..."
"No, even so, this punk..."
-Thwack!
Uncle Gu Yeong picked up the chopsticks he'd been using as a shot glass and smacked Uncle Machildeuk on the head.
"Argh!"
Uncle Machildeuk clutched his head in pain and bowed it. I kept my mouth firmly shut.
"I even understand if you can't accept her feelings because she's a nun. But you can't deny the natural emotions that arise even for a nun! You solve it with talk, not by suddenly announcing a marriage to crush those feelings! I held back because you said it was to save Brother Cheolhyeon, but with his condition improving now, I can't fathom your reasons anymore."
Cheolhyeon was the dumpling shop uncle's name. Gayeong's father.
His illness had indeed eased lately, with days of steady recovery.
Gayeong was overjoyed beyond words.
"You're in the wrong. Reject her feelings through honest conversation and end it cleanly. Drop this pathetic joke now!"
I opened my mouth but closed it again without a word.
Gu Yeong Uncle didn't know too much.
Seven Heavens, the Demonic Cult, Cheongwol's true nature, and so on...
...But at the same time, I couldn't deny his words were right, so I had nothing to say.
Was the source of my discomfort exactly that?
...
"You rotten kid. You rotten punk! I can't stand by with my eyes open because that lady is so pitiable!"
I silently took Uncle Gu Yeong's harsh criticism.
He drained his glass.
"No more booze!"
I quickly called the server and ordered more for him.
The drinks arrived promptly.
Uncle Gu Yeong downed another glass and said to me.
"If Lady Cheongwol's heart demon resurfaces, it'll be entirely your fault. Look at her as a person, not as the nun Cheongwol!"
...
"I've said my piece. Don't even think about showing your face to this uncle until you've sorted out things with Lady Cheongwol."
Uncle Gu Yeong grabbed his fresh drink and stood up.
Then he staggered off somewhere.
"Seojin. I don't know what nonsense he'll get into next, so I'll follow him. Don't take his scolding too much to heart. He says that because he loves you..."
...
"Yes, I know."
I mulled over Uncle Gu Yeong's words for a long while.
...
"Haa."
Various images of Cheongwol flashed before my eyes.
Cheongwol, killing like a beast.
Cheongwol, shedding tears before me.
Cheongwol, gazing at me with hollow eyes, splattered in blood.
Cheongwol, smiling innocently by my side.
Cheongwol, glaring at me with sword in hand.
...Even Cheongwol, calmly assaulting Baekdam as if venting her rage.
Not the nun Cheongwol, but Cheongwol the person.
...Not the Life-Pursuing Ghost Cheongwol, but Cheongwol the person.
Now, if that Cheongwol crumbled, it would be my fault.
...
...No, more than that, seeing her like this made me feel...
...
"Haa."
It was definitely a night that tangled my thoughts.