I entered the passage and walked forward to the spot where I could either go up towards the Jade Oracle or descend towards the locations where the Conclave waited to begin shattering the seals.
Two choices before me, and I thought about them for a moment. The most attractive of these choices was for me to descend towards the Conclave and slaughter them all. Sure, they had an Arcanist with them, and they may be able to summon other members of the Conclave to assist in a pinch, but I liked my odds.
Without specific testing, I had no way to judge how truly monstrous I had become, but I could infer from my battle with Vrakth and how my skills had grown over the loop that I was still underestimating my capabilities by a mile.
So, I could descend and kill them all, but this ultimately accomplished nothing in the end. The source of the corruption poisoning the last of the Jade Disk came from across the ocean, and even if I kill everyone below, the disk would still be destroyed, and more members of the Conclave would come, and they would keep coming until I was killed.
I mean, this was perfect for me. I would keep doing this until I was strong enough to kill every member of the Conclave that came, but I could not be sure that allowing the last true defenses of the pyramid to be broken was the right choice.
"But that does not stop you from trying," the Hollow Avatar suddenly spoke. "Of your many flaws, Elric, your self-sacrificial nature is one. It has aided you in surviving and adapting to the loop because you fight for more than yourself, and yet it blinds you to a path that could give you victory and keep your freedom."
I frowned, a bit annoyed, did the Hollow Avatar believe that I would rather dwell inside this pyramid forever, absorbing the poison from the Conclave and preventing them from ever breaking the seals that held down the Pale Matron?
... the short answer was yes.
The frown slowly left my face. As I said before, dying so many times had given me the mindset that cut through many mental blocks. I had unconsciously been seeking the quickest way to end this loop, even if the price for that was eternally condemning me to a lifetime of darkness.
I did not want to admit it, but I was tired, a part of me was broken, and when the fox made me laugh twice, only then did I see a part of this hurt that had been buried inside me, and I did not like it.
I did not like what the loop was making me become, and I suspect in a rather foolish way that I would rather hold up the pyramid than slaughter people.
An unconscious part of me had been killing Orath, Rel, and Rex in the last eleven loops to harden my heart and get me used to killing, but I did not like it... in fact, I hated killing people, even if they were terrible individual, and I looked back to my thoughts in shame when I said that I would be happy to kill Orath again and again.
In the heat of the moment, when I saw his hateful soul, sure, killing him was easy, but after the moment had passed, I just felt a bit... hollow.
I thought that killing became easier the more you did it?
"Have you considered that your rapidly changing soul is the source of your agitation?" the Hollow Avatar’s cold voice broke me from my thoughts.
"What do you mean?"
"This loop is a great source of growth, but power is a double-edged sword, and it easily cuts through you as it cuts through your enemies. Your soul is in a constant state of increase, and you have no time to adapt to what you are before you change. The fundamental part of you is constantly changing, becoming broader, sharper, and this sort of change demands time to settle and for you to find who you are, but you have not been given this chance."
I replied in a sort of daze, "You mean anytime the core of myself is about to be set, my soul changes, and it makes this process more difficult because I am no longer the same person who made this decision ten loops ago?"
"Precisely, so instead of blaming yourself for your failings, accept the fact that every decision you make would plague you deeply. Killing humans would not come easy to you; every hard decision you take would carry its weight far longer than it should... You would not get to close your eyes to their pain, even if it is earned, because you grew more eyes and did not know how to close them quickly enough."
I shuddered and closed my eyes, understanding the truth of what the Hollow Avatar said. My growing soul has shown me things that I did not see before... I was able to see inside my Title, which could house a shard of lightning law, and even a Heavenly Beast inside it, but on the other end, my soul was now more sensitive, and I could see more, feel more than an average mage.
A man could kill an enemy, feel the blood pumping from their neck, and would either feel relief, pain, or even happiness, but for me, I could feel so much more... I could feel the very soul of that person dying, and that is a more personal experience than anything you can think about.
There are no lies or deception, I would see the soul for what it was, all of that potential, and I would end it.
When I crushed Vrakth’s soul, I had told him I was sorry, and that was because in eleven loops, I was able to look beyond the fact that he was a demon and see other parts of him... it did not absolve the fact of who he was, but I could not turn my eyes away from everything that he could potentially be.
"Count the graves, Elric, count the graves. Life is not going to be fair; you were not blessed with a heart of stone, even if your shell is stone. Push through your pain, and if you truly have a self-sacrificial nature, then carry the weight of all these deaths inside you, one or a million, it makes no difference. From the first moment you took a life, you cannot return to who you were. Wake up!!!"
I blew out the breath in my lungs, and I nodded as my eyes began to glow. I was going below, and I would kill until there was no one left who would break the world just for their benefits.