Chapter 316: Decisions
Leo
Pamela sighed softly. "Which is exactly why SFE is the specific place that you can always come to when things get serious or dangerous,’’ she stated firmly. "We have a large population of Enigmas here on the island, and they are having the best time of their lives entirely away from public scrutiny, safe from the hands of those who want to drag them from their homes."
I shook my head violently and leaned forward, gripping my knees. "I have a life back at home. Miller does too. Even if I eventually reached a point where I wanted to come here and live on the island permanently, Miller’s decision might be entirely different. Forcing him into hiding or manipulating his environment to keep him isolated with me would just make me a toxic, abusive partner. And that’s exactly what I am afraid of becoming—someone who uses the excessively dominant biological pressure of my secondary gender to overwrite Miller’s free will."
Pamela nodded slowly. "I understand not wanting to be uprooted, and I understand the fear of weaponizing your instinct. But at the same time, you shouldn’t let that baseline anxiety dictate your reality. I know you are scared that being exposed would hurt Miller, but you need to have full confidence in your own value, Leo. Believe that you and Miller can make it and become a successful, stable couple despite the world. There are many Enigmas out there living pretty well, enjoying their lives without spending every single second worrying about the Council. If they can do it, then you can too."
Another deep sigh escaped from my lips. I looked down at my lap, starting to rub my hands slowly together, letting the weight of Pamela’s words sink into my mind.
"How about your sexual life?" Pamela shifted gears, looking down at her notepad and flipping a page. "In our last session, you talked about letting him take control in the bedroom, and you mentioned experiencing a higher level of psychological satisfaction whenever you get to switch roles. Is that a deliberate coping mechanism you use to avoid letting your aggressive Enigma side take over you?"
I shifted again on the couch, the leather squeaking beneath me. The sudden, blunt words felt like she had just dropped a bomb right in the middle of the room, and I genuinely didn’t know how to phrase my answer at first.
"It’s alright if you don’t want to go into explicit details," Pamela noted, sensing my hesitation, "but do you find it more fulfilling and interesting when you switch or bottom than when you are strictly on top?"
"Yes, I do," I answered almost immediately, not wanting to linger on the embarrassment.
"And why?"
"Easy, Doc. I love Miller, and I am willing to do absolutely anything for him, even if it means yielding my position to make him feel secure."
Pamela nodded, her pen scratching quickly against the paper. "Amazing. Honestly, you are one of the many couples here that probably didn’t even need this treaty in the first place, because you already work things out through mutual respect. But you still have severe limitations, and that’s the underlying paranoia of being caught."
She crossed her legs again, leaning back. "I read a few files from your pheromone controller coach from earlier this week. They found out that you are still completely terrified of letting out your pheromones, letting those around you know what you truly are. Instead, you constantly strain yourself to maintain the baseline biological facade of a Beta."
"That’s because the alternative is a high-risk gamble," I responded, my voice tightening. "I mean it, Pamela. I am scared of being taken away. I am scared of losing Miller."
"The fear of abandonment," Pamela pointed out, writing the words down in bold, heavy strokes inside her notebook. "I believe that you shouldn’t be afraid of being abandoned, Leo. Coming all the way to this island to make things work out for you and Miller takes an immense amount of courage and psychological strength. I am glad that both of you cherish and love each other so deeply. But these persistent feelings of insecurity, of feeling like you are inherently a danger or unwanted, will affect you badly. It leaves a constant doubt in your mind and makes you question the foundation of your relationship. So, I want you to actively stop feeding into that narrative."
She dropped her notebook onto the table between us and leaned forward, focusing her entire attention on my expression.
"Tell me, what is that one interesting event here on the couple treaty curriculum that you actually look forward to doing with Miller?"
I adjusted my glasses against the bridge of my nose and scratched the back of my head, running through the schedule of the upcoming weeks, trying to find an activity that didn’t feel like a medical evaluation.
Then, I snapped my fingers once the memory hit me.
"I look forward to the couple spa all the time. And also the synchronized dancing test."
"I see you enjoy the physical fun and somatic relaxation, which is excellent," Pamela observed, a genuine smile replacing her professional mask. "You enjoy simply being present with Miller for those things, and I want you to always imagine yourself being so much more than your fears. If you love Miller, dealing with this deep-rooted fear of abandonment is your very first step to taming the violent, defensive nature of being an Enigma. Do you understand what I am telling you, Leo?"
I nodded in response, absorbing the reality of her words.
And as quickly as I finished acknowledging it, Pamela slammed her notebook shut with a loud snap and stared down at her wristwatch. "Well, it seems today’s session has officially ended. We will have three more individual sessions, and another two joint sessions with you and Miller together. By then, I hope you have grown into a better, more secure position with him. See you soon, Leo."