Painful memories of the past were holding onto her ankles, stopping her from reaching for the future. That was Ha Saetbyul’s current situation.
As if she was powerless, her eyes contained no energy.
“Hingi…”
Splash.
Limpily, Ha Saetbyul lay down on top of the table. With her eyes staring past the window at the [Fragment of Paradise] hanging down from the ceiling, she murmured to herself.
“So I thought about it for some time…”
“Yeah.”
“I think I’ll be at ease if I got rid of my memories… I heard there was a superhuman hypnotist that could erase memories for you…”
“…”
“Can you erase people’s memories as well, doctor?”
Slowly, Yu Jitae gave a nod.
“How convenient would it be, to turn everything to nothing.”
“It would be.”
“Un. Since I’m a superhuman, having a blessing related to being an operator, I can find a few decent licences and find a job at the government… Operator is a popular job right. I can find a good workplace and earn enough salary, hih…”
“…”
“And I’m quite cute right…?”
“…”
“Uung?”
She then raised and tilted her head with her two fists on her cheeks. When she received no reaction from Yu Jitae, she laughed ‘hihi’ as if she was embarrassed.
“…Sorry. Ahh! Whyy~~ I was quite popular, you know. There were three teachers in the orphanage, but all the boys liked me the most… people say I look like a rabbit.”
“…”
“I’m 26 years old, so I’m at the peak of my youth right… I want to be a gold digger… so I’ll find a handsome rich man, and marry him. Giving birth is scary but… I should be happy after all that…”
Heaving out a sigh, Ha Saetbyul spoke with a sunken voice.
“But I can’t do that, right?”
“…”
“I shouldn’t do that.”
“…”
“The kids died because of my misjudgment, and they are only living inside my memories now. Hihi… If I forget those kids, then they won’t be remembered by anyone else.”
“…”
“Those kids, will really die then.”
“…”
“Hih… I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose my memories, but it’s hard to live on without forgetting them.”
After driving her head into the desk, she twisted her hair into a mess.
“…”
Seeing how he was still silent, Ha Saetbyul opened her mouth.
“Give me my prescriptions please.”
“I don’t have any.”
“Ehng. I thought you were a doctor…”
Ha Saetbyul wanted to lose her memories, but those shouldn’t be forgotten. And because they couldn’t be forgotten, she had to live on while embracing those memories.
That was why she was asking him this.
“…How am I supposed to live in the future?”
He replied.
“I don’t know.”
“…What. That’s not what a doctor is supposed to say.”
The Regressor gazed into her eyes with a hazy look.
If he wanted to console her, it would be possible albeit awkward.
Even then, you have to live with your two feet firmly on the ground, and you have to live with an atoning heart.
He could’ve also said something conceptual, like how humans were forgetful creatures.
However, he didn’t say that.
He also could’ve created an enemy in her heart to lessen her mental burden:
It was the association’s fault for friendly fire. It was the demons’ fault for waging a war.
It’s the Hostility’s fault for coming from the other side of the Horizon of Providence.
It’s my fault for not saving the world with six regressions.
It’s the era’s fault, for being the way it is.
However, despite all those possibilities, he didn’t say them.
Words that replaced all those possibilities and stuck its head out, were based on his honest opinions that he accumulated throughout his life.
With a dry voice, the Regressor opened his mouth.
“There is no correct answer in life.”
“…Un?”
“How you’re supposed to live is completely up to you. There is no correct answer in life and you shouldn’t seek an answer from someone else.”
In the past, there was a time when he had the exact same thought.
First iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 46. Ranking: 9917.
During the war against the demons, fighting under the Korean banner, the empress of pop culture, Luna who had given a significant musical shock to the entire world while coming out on the top of the billboard, committed suicide, which marked the beginning of the attack of the dragons. Thus came the end of the world.
Second iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 32. Ranking: 847.
He fought against a catastrophe-level demon during the war and lost his lover in the process. After returning to the camp, Yu Jitae couldn’t fight his PTSD and committed suicide, which marked the end of the world’s timeline.
Third iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 45. Ranking: 45.
After 18 years of living in the dungeons with his back turned against the world, while he was half-crazily killing monsters and demons, the actress of the century, Ieyeta G.D. committed suicide and thus started the raid of the dragons which ended the world’s timeline.
Fourth iteration. Yu Jitae’s age: 46. Ranking: 3…
…
…
.
The world had discarded him over and over.
If only he could die, he would have.
“If you want to die, you can.”
His words struck Ha Saetbyul’s ears with a thud.
“…What?”
“If there’s nothing worth expecting in your life, it is better to end it right now.”
“…”
To prove his words, Yu Jitae took out a dagger from his internal alternate dimension. Then, he placed it in front of Ha Saetbyul on the desk, as her gaze sank down.
“…”
She picked up the dagger, and touched the blade with her index finger with a blank expression.
“But if you don’t want to die… think of things you can expect.”
The world repeated itself, and he was unable to die. In order to survive, he needed to change his thought process. So what made people live on?
“…Expectation?”
“Yes.”
“…”
Ha Saetbyul wore a dumb expression.
The answer he found was this.
“Expectation drives people’s lives.”
People ate delicious meals with the expectation of a good experience;
And people fasted and exercised with the expectation of a good experience.
People married while having expectations for happy lives;
And people divorced due to having expectations for a happier life.
People lived on due to the expectations of a better future;
And people died due to being unable to have expectations of a better future.
“Is there still something worth expecting for you?”
The sharpened blade cut her finger, as a drop of blood travelled down the blade.
“…I.”
“If there’s even the slightest thing in the world that is worth expecting, you don’t have to die.”
Ha Saetbyul’s hands came to a stop.
“You talked about marrying and having a child. Is that your honest thought? Making a family with a rich and handsome man?”
“…”
“If you’re wishing for a marriage, and are hoping for happiness after giving birth, you don’t have to die in this place right now.”
With a smile, Ha Saetbyul lowered her gaze. Then, after a long time of silence, she carefully opened her mouth.
“The thing about marriage was a joke.”
“…”
“B, but! I still have something worth expecting. But it’s really far.”
“…”
“Maybe it’s way too far. I can’t see it, and I don’t think I can reach it either.”
“…”
“Because I’m small and weak.”
Ha Saetbyul fidgeted with her fingers.
“At the start, I hated the association, and later I hated myself.”
“…”
“Even now, I detest myself and the association. But now… I hate something even more than that. I don’t like this era, because I wasn’t the only one that ended up like this.”
“…”
“Why did everything have to turn out like this. Why did the kids have to die. Why do I have to be a sinner…”
After laughing, “Hih…” she covered her face with her two hands.
“My expectation is this. I want to change this era, so that there are no more orphanage teachers like me. But, what can I do. It’s so obvious that I’ll stumble on the way there… How can I change this era. To be honest, I won’t ever reach it.”
“It’s fine even if you don’t reach it.”
As death, emotions, and hellish senses of loss repeated itself, to the point he became numb to them, the impetus that drove him on regardless, in search for the happiness of the dragons was…
“The time you spend reaching for it, is life.”
When a single expectation succeeded in creating one’s attitude facing life, it followed the law of inertia from then on.
“…”
“If you want to die, then die. But if you want to live, then kill your past self.”
The smile vanished from Ha Saetbyul’s expression.
“Open your eyes and live the present.”
Her fingers twisting her hair came to a stop. While wearing a blank expression as if she felt something, her fingers slipped down to the desk.
If you want to live,
If you must live…
In a soft voice, she whispered.
“…Can a person like me have expectations?”
He gave a nod.
Unfortunately, even if someone had expectations, those goals wouldn’t be unconditionally fulfilled, but the process of running towards the goal was life. Achieving it was a different story.
“Thank you…”
However, her expectations won’t be betrayed.
Because he was in the middle of changing this era.
***
If you want to live, you must change the era, and you must do whatever you can in order to change the era.
Despite having a cloudy mind, that was the conclusion Ha Saetbyul came to after understanding Yu Jitae’s words. Therefore, she first went up to the soldier of the special force team, whom she had shouted at.
This person was a grateful person who was trying her hardest to change the era.
“Hih… umm.”
“Ooohh?”
She was a black lady, who was at least two heads taller than herself, with her shoulders being wider than Yu Jitae.
“Sorry about that. Sorry for screaming all of a sudden…”
“Hoho… that’s alright. I sometimes do that to my husband…”
“Ah really? Hih…”
“Hoho… Last week. Damn it… Suddenly he was trying to leave the house in the middle of the night, trying to drink with his friends you know…? I got married to a scoundrel that drinks all day…”
“Oh my… then what did you do?”
“I had to force him to stay inside…”
“Ohh… did you lock the door?”
The agent took out a mana gun from her waist and pointed it at her.
“Hohohohoh…!”
There was an even more efficient method…!
“Ahahaht…!”
In any case, the woman had fortunately received her word of apology, and Ha Saetbyul chatted with her in a good mood.
*
Sitting while facing the wall, Ha Saetbyul laughed to herself, ‘huhuh’ and contemplated.
What could she do right now?
Spending time in this place was satisfactory, and thus, anything she did would be satisfactory. However, she couldn’t exactly think of what to do.
The most important thing was for her to get stronger. She was weak, and that was the reason she couldn’t protect the children.
So how could she become stronger…?
*
However.
The change started from a completely random place.
“Hoho. Miss Ha. Do you want to exercise together…?”
That was the suggestion that came from an agent of the special force team whom she had apologised to a few days ago.
Ahh? Thinking back, the other side of the inner room had been rowdy from a few days ago, and it sounded like they were undergoing construction. She had glanced past it due to her hazy mind, but now that she properly looked at it, she realised that there was a building resembling a container placed near the edge.
“Exercise? Ooh… that would be good.”
Ha Saetbyul was still not in her right mind, and it required a lot of time for her to understand what ‘exercise’ meant, when it came from a woman who had an arm thicker than her waist. The moment she opened the door of the container building, an otherworldly gym welcomed her.
“Uaaah…!”
“Kuaaat…!”
Inside the container:
Soldiers of the special force let out roars filled with delight and madness, while raising dumbbells the size of humans, with but one arm.
“Kuaaaaaht!”
The agents doing dumbbell curls were sitting on chairs, and those chairs were connected to a thick metal bar, which was being used by another agent doing a bench press.
“Uwaaaaaah!”
“Oi! Brandon! Is that all you got? That’s why you’re still without kids. Wahahah!”
Those words touched his pride.
“Should I chuck you–! Or not–!!”
“Chuck us!”
With a scream, the agent threw the bar up without being able to hold his strength back, so the two agents doing dumbbell curls ended up smashing into the ceiling.
“Jik!”
“Kyarb!”
Letting out streams of blood from their noses, they screamed after dropping down to the floor.
“Ouch! Kuhuhu! You’re full of strength so what’s the reason…!”
“So the bottom was the problematic one huh! Hahat!”
Meanwhile, Ha Saetbyul was wearing a faint smile, but her pupils were shivering to the sides.
“Hih…”
Something was wrong.
Ha Saetbyul instinctively realised that something was going wrong, and she took a few steps back with a blank expression.
“Hoho. Where are you going?”
A voice of the female soldier reached her ear from the side.
“Hihi… t, this…”
“I heard the story… Saetbyul. You said you wanted to be stronger right?”
“T, that… hehe.”
She had indeed said that to BM.
“Our leader told us this. She’s Bell Baryon… you know her right?”
“I, I don’t think I’m mentally prepared yet…”
“She’s the strongest warrior from our group. Bell says this every time. You train and you become stronger! Hoho…”
Ha Saetbyul quickly walked backward. The door was right behind her, so she just had to walk a few more steps…!
Click.
That was when a mana gun touched her back.
“You’re not going anywhere.”
It was unclear when she had gone behind her, but the agent was pointing a gun at her.
“That, the… hih…”
“Apparently the light in this place heals your wounds… so it’s the best place for training… hoho.”
“…”
“Should we become stronger together?”
With a face filled with sorrow, Ha Saetbyul laughed.
“Hehe.”
*
“Kkng.”
“Eight-hundred and forty-two.”
“Kkuaang…!”
“Eight-hundred and forty-three.”
After ages of doing a pull-up with another agent behind her back, Ha Saetbyul laughed and cried.
“Kkuuu…! Hehe…”
“You didn’t go all the way up. Eight-hundred and forty-three.”
“Uuh…”
Drop.
Unable to endure anymore, she let go of the bar and dropped down on the floor.
“Oh no. You haven’t even done a thousand reps yet, so how dare you…”
Regardless of what was being said above her, the exhausted Ha Saetbyul looked forward with a hazy gaze. Near the entrance of the storage, was the name of the gym which was personally written by BM.
[Happy Happy Fitness]
“Hihi…”
It was a name that automatically put a smile on her face.