“But I want to go.”
A green pair of indifferent eyes looked into his eyes. The resolute tone of her voice displayed her unwillingness.
Kaeul told him that he needed to spend one hour a week with Bom at the very least. After the immersion into BY was undone, she rambled on about letting the air out of a tyre but… he didn’t understand what that was about.
Looking back, he realised that the last time he was alone with Bom was more than 3 weeks ago. He should’ve been alone with Bom three more times in that time period according to Kaeul.
“Stay here for a bit.”
“I want to go though…”
“Just a bit.”
“Like 10 seconds?”
“That’s way too little.”
“But why? I really want to go.”
However, Bom was trying to avoid being alone with him.
Why?
If she wanted to be together, then why was she refusing to be together?
Thinking about the disparity between those two points led the Regressor to think about how he hadn’t replied to Bom’s question. One good event can erase all the bad thoughts in her mind – despite saying that and asking him to call her pretty, Bom didn’t get any response out from him.
In the countless repetitions of life, he had never spared any time for interpersonal interchanges with the dragons, so this iteration was the first of its kind to the Regressor. He was confused and inexperienced, and thus needed time until he could find the right solution.
And now, he had finally come up with a small solution.
“It’s because I want to stay here for a bit.”
“Just us two?”
“Yeah.”
“But I don’t want to.”
“Just stay here.”
He said with a stiff look on his face as Bom asked while tilting her head.
“Sorry? Why?”
“Don’t ask. Just listen to me.”
Bom looked at him as if he was acting weird, but obediently returned to his side and sat down. Sitting side by side, the two of them stared at the night sky.
The last batch of fireworks of the festival soon departed into the sky. Whenever those exploded, they caused Bom’s white skin to be coloured in all sorts of different colours.
Time passed meaninglessly without any conversation.
Bom vacantly opened her mouth.
“I want to go.”
“…”
“I’m getting hungry and I also want to see Kaeul right now. I want to ask how she went with her song.”
“You should’ve come earlier then.”
“Like I said, it was too crowded. I want to see Yeorum and Gyeoul as well, so let’s go back now.”
“We can see them later.”
“No. Also, it should be about time for Kaeul to get her award, so we should go.”
“No.”
“I want to go to the toilet as well.”
“Why would dragons need to go to toilets,” he asked.
“Why can’t we go to the toilet?”
“You don’t have to go.”
“But what if we want to go.”
“Why would you want to go.”
“Do you want to know why?”
“…”
“Should I tell you? What we do in a toilet?”
“No. No need to.”
In response to his words, Bom turned towards him with an indifferent look on her face. After staying quiet for a bit, she opened her mouth and said bluntly.
“Ahjussi… do you think of me as a puppy or something?”
“What? Where did that come from.”
“Don’t you? I think you do. You say ‘come here’ and ‘go there’. I eat whatever you give, and only do what the owner wants me to do.”
“That’s not the case.”
“If it isn’t, then please let me go. I want to go now.”
“Do you seriously want to go?” he asked again.
“Yes.”
“Even when I want us to be alone?”
“Just like how I’m not your puppy, ahjussi is not my owner.”
Bom said that with an extremely calm expression on her face. Although he usually tended to refrain from using the Eyes of Equilibrium on the dragons, he felt the need to know what the truth was at least for now.
[Eyes of Equilibrium (SS)]
“I want to go now.”
The authenticity hanging on the eyes was a strong ‘false’ – a lie that completely contradicted her will.
Bom was lying.
“Actually, can I be honest?”
“About what.”
“When we first met, ahjussi told us to stay inside your fences right. I did what you told me to, and was obedient so I want you to stop restricting me now.”
False. She was lying.
“Ahjussi didn’t like being alone with me right? I’m also slightly uncomfortable with it being just us two.”
False. She was lying.
“If you’re misunderstanding me because of my clothes, let me tell you again that I wore it just because it was a festival. I simply wanted to do something different.”
False. She was lying.
“I’ll go first. Because of you, ahjussi, the last fireworks have already started. I wanted to see it with the other kids.”
“…”
“I hate you.”
False. She was again lying. Not a single trace of honesty existed in her words.
After seemingly pouring out everything that was on her mind, she heaved a sigh before standing up from the ground. Without even turning back, she started walking forward.
Why was she lying? It was to create a gap between him and herself; in order to avoid being alone with him. Perhaps she was afraid of another rejection.
In other words, trying to distance away from him was a false act and he had to grab her.
Standing up from the ground, he grabbed Bom by the wrist. He was unskilled with interpersonal relationships and lacked thoughtfulness so he didn’t know how to peacefully stop someone from running away.
Therefore, he physically stopped her from leaving.
“Ah…”
His grip might have been too strong. Bom faintly groaned from pain.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Just stay here. Before I get mad.”
Due to his limited conversational skills, the only words that left his mouth when stopping someone were threats.
“Please, let go of my wrist.”
“Stay here. I’m telling you to.”
“I told you I don’t want to.”
“Bom. Are you trying to make me tell you off.”
“…”
“Listen to me. Stop trying to make me mad.”
The words that urgently left his mouth were somewhat sharp, and Bom turned uneasy when her guardian made a straight face.
“…”
Before long, she whispered softly.
“It hurts…”
“…”
“I won’t go anywhere. So please let me go…”
He let go of her wrist.
She was still wearing an anxious look on her face, while he silently looked back into her green pair of eyes. For a long time, the two of them awkwardly stood face-to-face.
“Sorry for grabbing you tight.”
Soon, he apologised and Bom returned a nod.
“You kidnapper…” she murmured with slight mischief.
She appeared to be preparing for something. He looked at her, trying to read what she was doing and Bom also tried to find the right opportunity and stared back at him.
Bom broke the silence and opened her mouth.
“By the way, did you know that?”
“What?”
“You know, that…”
“What is it.”
“Close your eyes for a bit.”
He closed his eyes and in that moment, Bom raised the hems of her skirt and quickly ran towards the bush.
Why was she running away now? For what reason?
In any case, she couldn’t go far. She was but a lizard no matter how hard she ran. Before long, Yu Jitae caught her by wrapping his arm around her waist and left her hanging in mid-air.
Seemingly finding the situation funny, Bom chuckled out loud while he threw the child onto the grass. She tried to lift her body up from the ground but bursted out into another laughter and gave up on trying to stand up.
After laughing for a long time, her nervousness seemed to have dissipated. Bom obediently sat on the grass and Yu Jitae sat next to her.
“You know… I know what you’re worried about, ahjussi.”
Bom continued with a calm voice.
“You’re thinking that we shouldn’t be too close.”
“…”
“Our Amusements will end one day and… when that day comes, we will need to go our own ways. If we cross the line and get too close, it will hurt us more when we separate. Right?”
The Regressor didn’t say anything in response so Bom continued with an even clearer tone of voice.
“But you know, I think your assumption is a bit wrong. I’m not trying to, be like that, with ahjussi… I don’t know what you’re thinking, but you’re wrong.”
“I think you’re the one that’s assuming things.”
“Then I guess we were both over-assuming things.”
She giggled before lowering her head.
“I just, like playing with ahjussi and that’s why I’m trying to get closer. You know how I’m a very boring girl, right?”
Yu Jitae wanted to check the authenticity of her words with his Eyes of Equilibrium but couldn’t do so because he couldn’t look into her eyes.
“Hmm, so, don’t feel too burdened about getting too close with me. And also, please don’t misunderstand. I just find ahjussi funny so…”
Even now, Bom was thinking for his sake and was trying to make him feel less burdened.
However, he didn’t believe what she was saying.
“Right. I get it. But by the way.”
“Yes?”
“Can you look at me?”
“Sorry? Why?”
“Just turn around for a bit.”
“Don’t want to…”
“Why.”
“I don’t know. I just don’t think I should look at your eyes.”
At this rate, he couldn’t use the Eyes of Equilibrium.
However, Yu Jitae remembered Kaeul’s words. If he could spend at least an hour alone with her every week, Bom’s state of mind which Kaeul described with very extreme words should settle quite a bit.
According to Kaeul, despite feeling like the world was crumbling down in front of her, Bom was being considerate of him. She was acting like a mature adult, but she couldn’t be fully composed because she was still but a child who lived a little more than 20 years.
“So, ahjussi. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Quietly, the Regressor thought to himself.
He knew that he had to treat Bom differently to how he was treating other kids, perhaps because she herself wanted a different treatment.
However, all the interpersonal skills that could be used on Bom were things she had taught him herself. Even now, he was trying to find the most suitable course of action from the list of actions shared by Bom.
“Right. I got it.”
What did she say back then?
If you’re worried, please console them. If they have to change, please help them and if you treasure them…
That was when Bom stood up and started walking.
“Should we go then?”
If you treasure them, give them a quiet hug – that was what Bom said to him.
The Regressor walked towards her back while she was walking, and carefully reached his arms forward.
The last firework soared into the sky and created the biggest explosion today.
“Ah…”
By the time she realised it, Yu Jitae was hugging her from behind.
Shocked, her body shrunk and turned stiff from nervousness. He didn’t know how to hug and awkwardly wrapped his arms around her stomach. Resembling a statue, Bom rigidly moved her trembling hands and placed them over Yu Jitae’s hands.
“Sorry for getting mad at you just then,” he said.
“…”
“I never found you weird or annoying.”
“But I said bad things to you.”
“I know it wasn’t true. And I don’t even remember them. Don’t worry.”
In fact, Bom had gotten one thing wrong.
He wasn’t worried about parting.
It was simply that he knew how he had no right to be happy alongside the child whom he had hurt the most, and was concerned about getting too close with her.
However, if Bom wanted to be happy together with him, what should he do then?
“Let’s think together. We still have a lot of time to go.”
“Yes…”
“Let’s slowly, talk it out.”
“Okay…”
Yu Jitae tried to pull his hands away, but couldn’t because her hands that were closed over his hands were pressing down hard. She was pushing his hands into her stomach and he soon realised that his hands were too deep inside her stomach, to the point that he could feel the belly button with his fingers.
For him, this sense of distance and the touch of their hands were troubling.
“Time to finish the hug of reconciliation,” he suggested.
“…”
But Bom was silent.
When he tried to stealthily pull his hands away, she stopped them again by force and this happened several times. When he called her, ‘Bom,’ she replied with a whine, ‘Nnng’.
With a softer voice, she slowly whispered.
“One more minute…”
Until the light completely disappeared from the night sky, he didn’t unwrap his arms.
Her stomach was warm.
*
[381. It felt like a dream.]
[Ahjussi Observation Diary ★★★★]