Chapter 182: Death and those left behind (3)
Zetto, lying there with his eyes closed, was no longer looking at me. He couldn’t turn his head.
He probably wouldn’t wake up anymore.
When I first heard the news, I was in denial.
He couldn’t be dying.
I mean, he’s strong.
But once I saw Zetto’s cold body with my own eyes, I was quick to admit it.
Zetto is dead.
It’s not strange when people die.
Where there is life, there is death.
Death is so far away and yet so close.
I have seen countless people bleed out and take their last breaths.
We all die, just at different times.
“Where are you going?”
A man’s voice called out from the road ahead.
I look up and see a familiar face.
“……”
It was Kaliman, the instructor of Class C.
Sheltering from the rain in the shade of a tree, Kaliman scratches his head and speaks up.
“I’m sorry, but you’re not allowed to go out for a while.”
“I don’t need permission.”
“You’re not allowed to go out without permission.”
At Kaliman’s adamant reply, I drew my sword from my waistband.
“Please don’t stop me.”
“Your friend is dead, what do you want to do outside at this time?”
“…That’s not why.”
It was.
It had nothing to do with Zetto’s death.
It’s just that the world doesn’t seem fair.
There’s so much garbage in this world.
It just didn’t seem fair.
A hero who saves people dies a painful death, and an evil person who harms people lives without a care.
I didn’t want Zetto to feel wronged so it’s okay to reduce the number of scum but Kaliman didn’t seem to be backing down. He pushes himself to his feet and stands in my way.
“I’m sorry but I’m living paycheck to paycheck. I need to get to work.”
“……”
“At least as long as I’m here, the only way you’re going outside is after you knock me out.”
“…I wouldn’t count you as an instructor.”
“Ha, that’s a lot to take from a guy who’s been around for a while.”
Kaliman clenches his fist and releases mana.
-Boom!!!
The ground around him cracks under the pressure of the mana.
“…”
What an overwhelming feeling.
I had heard that he was a war hero, but he was a much more formidable monster than I thought.
Kaliman’s hands clench and unclench, and then he speaks.
“Well, it’s part of an instructor’s job to accept cadets’ tantrums…”
***
“…”
I stared at the crystal ball in his hand but the crystal ball was still unresponsive.
I had an uneasy premonition, so I kept sending out signals, but Zetto didn’t respond.
At first, I thought he was busy but as his silence continued, the anxiety in the back of my mind grew.
Nothing could have happened.
Nothing should have happened.
I was so nervous that I even asked others to get information on Zetto at the Academy.
He’d just been unreachable for a while. It was just something that could happen due to normal busyness or a mistake.
Nevertheless, the anxiety refused to go away.
The sensation was too strange.
Ecline said ‘What are you so worried about?’
But I couldn’t answer that question since I was afraid that my answer would become reality.
I was that anxious.
The way I was now was not normal, to say the least.
I hoped I was being overly obsessive.
I hoped it was a side effect of being so close to him.
I turned my head and looked out the window as the rain was pouring down from beneath the dark clouds.
It was a gloomy sky but I stood there, watching the rain fall.
-Step.
Ecline, who had arrived at that moment, opened the door and entered.
“…Sister.”
I wonder if she’s brought news of Zetto.
“Everything went well, didn’t it…?”
I ask, smiling bitterly.
“…”
Ecline’s mouth fell open and she avoided my gaze.
“Ecline…?”
Don’t give me that look, just give me an answer.
Tell me nothing happened.
Please scold me to get my shit together.
“……”
Ecline didn’t open her mouth at my call so I walked over to her and grabbed her shoulders.
“Ecline.”
“…”
“Nothing happened, right?”
Even as I asked, I could feel it in the air and I could tell by the look on her face.
“Was he seriously injured? It’s okay, I’ll heal him and that’s all.”
“…Saint.”
“Or maybe the curse has gotten worse. I can break it, even if it means going against the Lord’s orders…”
“…Saint.”
“…”
Please don’t speak.
Don’t open that mouth.
Don’t tell me that news.
It’s strange.
I haven’t heard anything from him.
And then one day, he…
“Honorary Knight Zetto…”
…can’t be dead.
“…is said to be dead.”
“……You’re lying, aren’t you?”
Ecline lowers her head at my question.
“Ecline, it can’t be true.”
I was spitting out the truth.
I was sincerely in denial.
But it was only for a moment.
“……”
No more words came out of her mouth so I could tell with my powers that Ecline was not lying.
I had to cover my ears since I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to deny the truth.
I wanted it to be a lie.
I hoped I’d lost my mind for a moment.
But it wasn’t.
The anxiety I felt inside me had a basis that couldn’t have been more solid: the power of God.
I stopped plugging my ears because I realized there was no point.
Denial doesn’t change the truth.
“…I am sorry to be the bearer of such news, Saint.”
Ecline bows her head, tears falling from her eyes.
I pull myself to my feet and embrace her.
I stroke her back.
“It’s okay…Ecline didn’t do anything wrong.”
I was the guilty one.
I could have done anything to stop him.
I could have done anything to ease his pain.
But I couldn’t break God’s command so I thought it must mean something.
After all, a saint is only an apostle of the Lord.
I’m just trying to lead the world according to his will.
I just…
…it’s just that I wasn’t happy at the end of it.
Being loved by God does not mean that all Saints are able to live happy lives.
Everyone in this world has their own destiny and that destiny cannot be defied.
Zetto’s death was his fate and my loss of him was also my fate.
But…A part of me wondered.
I resented the gods for leading me to such a harsh fate.
For the first time in my life I blamed God.
***
“Hah… Ha…”
My body felt like it was going to break.
My grandfather was right, I was rusty.
Not only was my skill rusty, but there was no way in hell I could defeat instructor Kaliman in front of me.
He was a seasoned martial artist who had fought on countless battlefields and I could never catch up to him in terms of experience.
I was weak and incompetent.
Soon, I hear Kaliman’s voice from the forest, where the rain is pounding down.
“…I will stop here, but…”
“More… I can do it…”
“I understand where you’re coming from…but this is the wrong way.”
“Ha… Ha… What do you mean you understand…?”
“That’s right… I’ve been lost, too…”
Kaliman trails off and then looks up to the sky.
He’s been through war so of course he lost friends and colleagues but Zetto was more than just a friend to me.
He was radiant.
He was sweet and gentle.
He was my hero.
“…a lover.”
With those words, Kaliman approached me.
…I had never heard of a lover before.
“Her name was Castile….Her green eyes were like jewels and I went crazy after losing her. How I could be with her…I still don’t know the answer to that question.”
I sagged, and Kaliman, in front of me, pulled me into a hug.
“We were even engaged, but… As you know, the war came at just the right time. I had no intention of joining, and neither did she. War is scary, isn’t it? It’s even scarier when you have someone to protect.”
“……”
I slumped into Kaliman’s arms, listening to his voice.
“But Castile asked me to come with her. Shouldn’t we protect the land we love with our own hands? I had no choice… So I went to war. Many people died: friends, colleagues…nameless soldiers. I took it for granted. It’s just the way war is.”
“Hmph…”
Kaliman’s blunt voice conveyed his pain.
“…It was one day. Rain was pouring, just like now. The smell of damp rain, the scent of demons’ blood… It was a very pleasant day, and when I returned to the base after the operation, Reina came up to me with a serious face and said, “I’m sorry.” I smiled. I laughed, “What are you talking about?”
“Hmph… Ugh…”
The tears I’d been holding back burst out.
I shook my head vigorously.
I didn’t want to hear it.
I knew all too well how it ended.
“There’s been a lot of deaths in my life, but I can’t accept her death. I feel injustice and resentment. I didn’t understand why she had to die.”
Kaliman strokes my hair.
“I’m sure you… did too…”
His hand is cold through the rain.
“Rage boiled up in me. I wanted to wipe out the demons as soon as I could, but there’s only one reason I’m still alive, and that’s because I was about to run into enemy territory… alone. Reina and Edward stopped me. Reina said, “You have to survive. Don’t you think you should survive? Don’t you think you should survive and remember her…?””
“Ugh… Hmph…”
I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to be sad, but the tears wouldn’t stop coming.
“That’s why I had to stop you. I had to make sure you survived and remembered him… Now that I’ve lived, I realize that those left behind have to do what they have to do…”
Kaliman turns to me.
“Did you tell him how you feel…?”
I shake my head in his arms.
I hadn’t, I have not confessed my heart.
I thought I was finally getting a grip.
I thought I would finally have the courage to speak but it was no longer possible.
Suddenly, as Kaliman strokes my hair, a single hot drop of water falls, not a cold raindrop.
“…Then it must hurt a lot worse for you than it did for me…”
There was a faint tremor in Kaliman’s voice as he said those words.