Cass could barely breathe past the pain inside of him. Reaching up his throat and choking him.
"I-I just wanted everyone to be happy." Cass admitted. A silent truth, one of the true reasons he’d always kept his distance, always tried to step away. This was a romance book, a novel based around Fiona. As much as Cassian was supposed to survive past the end of the novel, that was the only thing that had been made clear to him.
He was supposed to live.
Cass had tried to keep the things he coveted to basic things. Like money, power and property. Those were normal things to covet.
People? Relationships? Love?
Those weren’t normal things.
"Is that a bad thing?" Cass whispered and Gideon squeezed him.
"Yeah, because you didn’t include yourself in that happiness, Caspian." Gideon told him, the bitter smile still on his face. "Like how I didn’t. Like how Cassian didn’t."
"You’re all so selfish." Edgar complained, sniffing as he wiped at his eyes. Cass and Gideon turned to him, watching as Edgar cried. "All of you didn’t even consider how I would feel as you kept plotting and scheming about what you were going to do without considering for even a second what would happen to me after your plots and schemes were done. Were you going to leave me behind? Were you going to leave Lucian behind? Both of us are long-lived because of our damn cursed blood and you were going to leave us alone? To wallow in guilt for the rest of our lives? You’re selfish, both of us." Edgar sniffed. "All of you. If Cassian even told us that he was in pain, that something was going on. If he even tried to trust us-" Edgar cut off, biting his lip, sniffing.
He knew it wasn’t fair to blame him, but he couldn’t stop himself. Cass couldn’t stop himself either. Everyone was too raw, too painful.
"Everyone he trusted was killed." Cass admitted. Edgar and Gideon froze. "Everyone. Sir Forsythe only survived because he stood by and watched. He had to. Anyone who showed kindness to Cassian was beaten, broken, killed. Or they were lying to hurt him more. How could he have trusted anyone? He was forced to be a villain." Cass shook. "He just wanted to be loved. How could I take that away from him?" Cass let out a shaky breath. "I experienced love. Even if it was familial, I still had it. I didn’t want to hog it all." Cass sobbed.
Edgar got up on his knees on the couch, wrapping his arms around Cass from behind. Cass reached for his hands, covering them with both of his own, Gideon still holding onto his wrist.
"Bunny, you never allowed yourself the freedom to feel any other kind of love, and who is saying that you aren’t sharing? Isn’t he with you the whole time? Isn’t he experiencing it too?" Edgar whispered, his lips against Cass’ ear. "Did you think he would hide away when we were on dates? When we were together? He’s been experiencing it too. Alongside you." Edgar let out a shaky breath. "Why do we need to say we love one more than the other? Sam is right. In the end, you’re both going to be Cass and while I have sympathy but don’t love Cassian, I do love you, Caspian."
Cass sobbed at the gentle words that washed over him.
"I’m sure Cassian also feels terrible for putting the weight of this on your shoulders. He might even try to refuse. Don’t let him." Gideon whispered. "I won’t let him harm you like this, and you don’t want him to hurt like this either. The last thing he can do is make this easier on you. If he cared for you in any capacity, he wouldn’t make you feel this guilt because he agreed to let the gods choose who would take over his body." Cass wasn’t sure if that was true.
He didn’t think that he had much of a choice when it came to the gods. Cassian might be sneaky, but he wasn’t like Cass. He didn’t know about how to make deals with beings who were more dangerous than him. Especially when they held more power, but they needed you.
Okay, maybe he did know. He was Cassian after all, but...Cass wasn’t so sure.
"Caspian, no matter what, you are my nephew." It was Aunt Alysora. "This changes nothing for us. I promise. While there is...a tragedy in the fact that I will never know Cassian for who he was alone, that does not rest on your shoulders and never will. The people who are responsible are the ones who signed the deal in the first place, and who abused an innocent child without evidence that there was anything wrong. The outcome of an unavoidable choice is not something you should bare alone. We support you, we care for you, so please, stop crying like this." She begged. "My heart is shattering hearing your pain." Cass only sobbed louder at her words.
What could he do? He felt like he was on a damn rollercoaster. He had felt so full of anger and rage and fear. Anxiety had been eating him alive, so much so that he hadn’t been able to hear what the others were saying. He hadn’t understood Byron’s anger, had tried to push them away and instead he was in their lap, surrounded by their arms.
"I c-can’t stop." Cass sobbed. Aunt Alysora made a soft, distressed sound in the back of her throat before Cass felt another set of arms, another person’s warmth joined in and Cass kept shivering.
"Oh little one. This reaction alone would never let anyone abandon you." She whispered but Cass wasn’t sure if that was the case. He was sure he had cried like this when he was a child. He was sure his sister had too. Yet still he had been abandoned by his parents.
Not once, but twice.
Cass knew that he was in good company, that Edgar and Gideon could completely understand but Cass didn’t really care about that right now. He couldn’t. He felt too raw from his own emotions to have compassion or empathy.
"Cass." Gideon’s voice was firm, solid. "What do you want to do? What would make you happy? What do you want?" Gideon asked. He was asking what Byron had earlier, but the words felt different. They weren’t a call out, or didn’t feel like one now. Instead, Cass was lost, but not upset.
His tears wouldn’t stop falling, The arms around him a tangle of limbs and heat. He was sure he was crying on everyone and his nose was dripping. No one made a comment on it, nor pulled away.
"I don’t know." Cass whispered. "I just don’t want anyone to die." Cass swallowed. "I don’t want anyone to be alone anymore." Edgar let out a muffled sob, pressing his face against Cass’ shoulder from the side.
"We won’t. No one will be alone anymore, Caspian." Edgar’s voice shook, but there was a steely core to his voice. He meant his words, a promise wrapped in tears. Cass felt his eyes water more. They felt so hot he could barely keep them open.
No more words were exchanged for a moment, Cass and the others were too overwhelmed to even be able to discuss anything else. Sam wanted to be included in the hug, but Byron tugged him back, forcing the other man to sit with him in his lap while Aunt Alysora pulled back and Cass spent a long time wrapped up in Edgar and Gideon’s arms.
Cass was still shaking, still trembling when it finally felt like everyone could speak again. Even Byron was red rimmed when Cass came out from the arm cocoon that had been built around him.
While he was still in Gideon’s lap proper, Edgar had shifted closer so that he could slip his arm around Cass’ side. Sam was tucked against Byron, and Aunt Alysora sat on her own, but not alone at all.
Everyone was sniffing, a little embarrassed by their display, but it had needed to happen.
Cass was the most embarrassed of all. How could he even think to ask something so ridiculous? Did they really love him? He was never going to live that down. He was sure he already looked awful from all the crying and now with the flush he probably looked worse.
"Thank you for telling us everything, Cass." Aunt Alysora said carefully. "Truly. I am grateful to be one of the people you told. I think, moving forward, you might have to rely on the others to get the right answer on how to convince Cassian. Will it hurt, Cass?" She asked and Cass paused.
That wasn’t even something he had considered. Would merging souls hurt?
He supposed that it would, but it was the last item on his list for concerns. First was their acceptance, then Cassian’s acceptance, and then it was the pain or whatever came from merging souls. Gideon made a noise of complaint.
"I don’t like the idea of this hurting you." Gideon told him. Cass tensed. "I’m not saying I don’t want you to do it, I would never say that, I just don’t like the idea that it is going to hurt you. I know we’ll have to be there to witness it, especially since the Gods asked me to make sure you arrived safely, but still. I can be upset on principle." Gideon complained. Cass gave a soft huff.
"Nothing worthwhile is easy." Cass said and Edgar groaned.
"Don’t you dare say that. Take it back right now. That’s disgusting for you to say, and an excuse. Easy things that are worthwhile exist. Like eating a piece of cake." Edgar told him. Sam brightened.
"I can get us cake if we want it?" Sam suggested and the tension in the room shifted completely. Byron smiled at his...husband? Bond partner? Lover?
"Why don’t you brew some tea for the cake and we’ll go pick some up. I think we need something to ease this mood." Byron said, glancing around the room.
"Bring liquor as well, Byron. We need something harder than tea." Aunt Alysora added with a chuckle. Cass swallowed, staring at everyone. His eyes felt heavy, his body empty and his face warm.
He hated crying for this exact reason, but with the way that Edgar and Gideon were still touching him he knew that it was a good sign that they weren’t disgusted with him at the very least.
"Shall we go now?" Byron asked, glancing to Cass. Cass gave a nod.
"Yeah. You can go now. You can also let Taniora know that she can join us. She pretty much knows everything. We talked about dying." Cass muttered. He could feel the room tense and he flinched. "W-What?" He asked, sensitive. Aunt Alysora sighed.
"I hate knowing that you know what that feels like." She muttered. "Damn, those new gods really had to make your next life as hard as possible, hmm?" She sounded annoyed on Cass’ behalf, and he had no idea what to say.
So he didn’t. He kept his mouth shut, nodding off against Gideon’s chest as he waited for Byron and Sam to come back with tea, cake and liquor.