Cass was breathing heavily, the words taking a toll on him physically after he’d said them. Lucian was fuming still, while Lord Ridgewood looked like he was shocked. Edgar was offering a warm comfort from his embrace, and Cass tucked his head into his shoulder, hoping that no one noticed that he was hugging him a little tighter then was probably okay.
Edgar didn’t say anything, didn’t twitch as Cass nuzzled into his shoulder, his breath quiet but shaky as the other two took their time with the news that Cass had given them.
"What...What makes the gods and the demons different from each other?" Lord Ridgewood asked and Cass almost felt bad for the man. Cass didn’t feel like the question was directed towards him, or towards the situation that was unfolding before him. He had a feeling that it was more an internal question.
However, it was a great distraction to the emotional and mental pain Cass was experiencing. He sniffed, giving Edgar a tight squeeze before he gently pushed him away, but keeping him nearby. Edgar stayed close, watching Cass with blue eyes that seemed to see into and through him.
"I am not quite sure what makes them different. What I can tell you is what the gods told me." Cass said and everyone seemed interested in that.
"They told you that there was a difference?" Edgar asked and Cass nodded.
"Yeah. Gods are genderless. They move through it easily, while demons are gendered. Male. Female. They don’t like being misgendered while the gods don’t care." Cass said. That seemed to surprise all of them.
"They can be misgendered?" Lord Ridgewood asked and Cass gave a snort.
"I think they probably dress in ways that make it ’obvious’ what gender they want to identify as." Cass said, smirking, before the smile faded from his face. Did that...apply to him as well? But with his body being the way that it was, what did that mean?
Cass raised his gaze and looked at Edgar.
"Quick. Call me a girl." Cass said and Edgar furrowed his brows for a second, before he understood what Cass meant.
"Cass, you’re a girl. A woman." Edgar said. Cass wondered what it was supposed to feel like, this dislike, but if anything he just felt mildly annoyed? Barely bothered? Edgar watched Cass’ expression for a reaction before he opened his mouth again. "Cass, you’re a boy. A man." He said and Cass felt the same way. Mildly annoyed, but nothing else.
"I...don’t know if it works for me." Cass said and Edgar also looked a little confused.
"Alright. Call me a girl then." He said and Cass blinked. Right. Edgar was technically a demon, even if it was sanctioned by the temple.
"Edgar is a girl. A woman." Cass repeated exactly how Edgar said it to Cass and watched as his face scrunched up. He looked offended and annoyed, far more than Cass had felt. Cass worried he was playing it up until Edgar placed a hand on his chest and let out a long exhale.
"Wow. It’s been a long time since someone said that to me. It had quite the impact. I’m actually a little surprised by the weight of it. My gods, I did not like that. It felt like a puck of ice in my chest. You didn’t feel that?" Edgar asked and Cass shook his head.
Lord Ridgewood listened to them speak to each other, watching, observing, and realising that there was something he wasn’t aware of. Something that wasn’t quite clicking in his mind.
"Why are you clarifying Cass’ gender? Why is that important right now? I can understand if you’re trying to gauge how much of a demon Cass is, but isn’t that already set? Just because he is going to act more on his urges doesn’t mean that changes the level of demon blood he has." Lord Ridgewood said and Cass wasn’t quite sure what to say to that. Lucian spoke up for him.
"Shut the fuck up, Gideon. You don’t need to know more." Lucian growled and Cass immediately lost any of the good feelings he had for the man speaking for him. He sighed.
"Lucian, you really need to get over this, alright? If I’ve gotten over it, you need to get over it. This is too fucking hostile, especially right now." Cass told him, not holding a place for this behaviour right now. It was honestly getting on his nerves. "If I’m pissed at him, no worries. You are allowed, I guess, but this? This active hostility? Absolutely fucking not." Cass said. He was making sure that the man fucking knew what he was saying and that he meant it.
Lucian still looked like a kid throwing a smoke-filled temper tantrum and Cass narrowed his gaze.
"But he-" Cass snapped a hand out, drawing a line in the air.
"Shut the fuck up. There. How did that feel? Good? Do you want me to treat you the same way? Because you hurt me too, Lucian, but you don’t see Edgar treating you that way, or even me treating you that way. Or hell, you don’t see me treating any of you like you’ve wronged me. That’s because I’ve been the bigger person and decided that everyone’s fucked me over, trying to get even with any of you is a lost cause and won’t get me anywhere emotionally, physically, or otherwise." Cass snapped and watched as the anger slowly faded from Lucian.
However, he realised that the mood shifted as well in the room. Edgar looked upset, and Lord Ridgewood looked a little awkward that he had caused this. Cass closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
How many damn times were they going to hash this out before Lucian got it? Was he doomed to have this conversation with him every fucking time?
"Lucian." Cass began carefully. He could feel the other man jerk to attention. "The only reason I am able to speak to the gods the way that I can right now is because of an injury you gave me. The reason why Lady Ava was crying the way that she was before I awoke is because she thought I had died." Cass said and when he looked at Lucian, the man looked horrified. Cass swallowed. "I lied to her at the time because I wasn’t aware I had made a hero contract with them, but I did die. That head injury was enough to kill me." Cass said and Lucian stumbled to his feet, and then stumbled back.
His orange eyes were wide, horrified, and absolutely filled so much pain Cass could almost feel it. He swallowed thickly. He hadn’t wanted to cause him that much pain.
"So you can see," Cass said softly "I can forgive and forget. I need you to do the same." Cass watched as Lucian seemed to shut down. He began shaking his head, slowly in negative. As if he couldn’t believe what Cass was saying. Edgar’s expression was pained and even Lord Ridgewood looked upset. He had known as well, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t feel sympathy for Lucian.
Especially when the others could see how much he was trying to care for Cass.
Cass gently shook off the touch of Edgar, knowing that he needed to go to the other man. Lucian almost seemed scared of Cass as he watched him approach. Cass was surprised that he was able to back the other man up against the wall, forcing the bigger man to take Cass’ hands. He shook them off the first time he grabbed them, but Cass was insistent.
"Lucy." Cass spoke softly and Lucian’s eyes widened before tears, genuine and full of pain spilled over.
"I killed you?" His voice was a rasp, full of horror, fear and pain. He was in so much shock that it hurt Cass to hear him speak. Cass nodded slowly and the sound that tore out of Lucian hurt to hear. It was such a raw sound of pain that Cass thought he was going to cry too. "Oh my gods. Oh my gods. How could you allow me near you again? How could you-" his eyes widened as something crossed his mind, "how you treated me when you first awoke makes sense now. You were standoffish, mean. Oh my gods." Lucian looked down at his hands, not even bothering to wipe away his tears.
He shook off Cass’ hands again, raising shaking hands up to stare at them. He looked absolutely disgusted with himself. He was looking at himself like he was a monster. Cass swallowed.
"You didn’t know." Cass said softly and Lucian let out another, heart tearing sound.
"Because you protected me. From the truth." Lucian stared at him, his orange eyes filled with such a depth of regret, pain and shock that Cass had to look away first. "You’ve been letting your killer stay near you." Lucian whispered and Cass could feel where this was slipping to and caught him just as he was about to leave the room.
"Lucian, stop!" Cass called, catching his arm and Lucian went to shake him free again. "I’m going to get mad for real if you shake off my hold again!" Cass warned, loudly, and Lucian stopped. They were at a standstill, both men standing, Cass holding onto his arms. Lord Ridgewood and Edgar remained seated, but watchful.
Cass knew that they would step in if things looked bad, but Cass honestly didn’t think that the situation was going to go that direction. He just didn’t want Lucian to run away while he felt like this. He felt like he would never see him again if he did.
"I hurt you. I killed you." Lucian spoke softly, his voice broken. HIs shoulders were hunched, defeated. "How can I do that to the one I want to be with? I don’t even fucking deserve to be alive." Lucian was beside himself with grief. Cass had never seen him like this before, in the book or otherwise.
He hadn’t been like this when he had died in the book. Then again, it was from Fiona’s perspective. She probably didn’t notice how dramatic Lucian had been while trying to find Cassian.
"What did Lord Rid-Gideon try to do? What did Edgar try to do? What did anyone try to do to me, Lucy?" Lucian flinched. It was a whole body movement, like he hated hearing it.
"I heard you say it, I understood it, but I just...I didn’t realise how bad it was." Lucian said. He raised his gaze, his big, watery orange eyes staring into Cass’ eyes. "You don’t deserve that kind of treatment. Hearing more about your past just makes me so much more angry. None of this was your fault. I said I cared for you enough to want to bond with you and I. Fucking. Killed. You. I have no right. Gods, and I forced this first bond on you too!" Lucian was turning into a real mess.
His face was covered in tears and snot, and while his words were serious, and so was his stance, Cass felt a laugh bubble up from deep within him. Once it started, he wasn’t able to stop it. He just started laughing, his body shaking as he did so.
Lucian’s brows drew in, confusion clouding his expression but Cass couldn’t stop the laughter. He knew that the other two had to be looking at him like he was damn insane. It felt like he was, but he couldn’t stop himself.
The laughter just...poured out of him.