Chapter 259: I’m not an emotional person
Cass opened his eyes. He wasn’t in the grove. He wasn’t standing up.
He was lying down, staring up at an unfamiliar ceiling. He blinked a few more times, before he felt his eyes water against his will.
He’d had a dream. It felt like it was distant, blurry, but he’d had one. He was sure it was the influence of the nursery nearby, and he felt like a damn newborn calf. Shaking legs, shaking limbs, like he couldn’t get his feet underneath him.
Cass let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes as he felt more tears pour down his cheeks, soaking in the sheets below him.
It had been so simple, so quiet, and it had brought Cass more peace than he was sure anyone else could understand.
He’d dreamed of his sister. For the first time, he’d been able to see her, even if it was only in a dream. His hands clenched on the sheets underneath his fingers, so tight he thought he might break them. He was anchoring himself, grounding himself as he wept.
He felt too raw, too emotional. Like he was a raw nerve that had been exposed to air.
Cass quivered in the bed, not wanting to draw attention. He knew he was probably somewhere in the new mansion he’d moved into. Whether he was in the master bedroom or not, he didn’t really care. He was just grateful that no one else was there to see him like this.
He wasn’t sure how much time passed as he lay there, crying silently, shaking, before Cass was finally able to gather himself up enough to get up out of the bed. He hadn’t even turned his head, his gaze focused on the ceiling as tears poured down his cheeks.
When he finally turned his head, flinging the blankets off of his frame, he realised he was in the clothes he had worn to bed when he was in the dungeon. Made sense. That was the clothing he had on him right now.
He just wasn’t sure how someone had grabbed them. No one would be able to reach into the-
Edgar. Edgar could have done it, since he also had his own little pocket man pouch. Cass closed his eyes, taking a deep breath as his face pulsed with his heartbeat. His eyes were burning, so hot and swollen that he was afraid someone would tell him to take the healing tonic.
He really didn’t want to, not right now. It honestly would feel like a slap in the face considering all that he’d just found out, all that he was feeling. He was feeling the emotions of two people inside of him. His own, and Lord Blackburn’s, and both were overwhelming.
Cass tried to breathe through his mouth, his nose stuffed from the tears. And almost laughed at himself over his behaviour. What the fuck was he doing?
Here he was, crying in his new bedroom, with no one at his side. It was a stark reality to what he’d just felt. What he’d experienced.
A being who was just grateful that he’d made it through, that their sacrifice was worth it, and there wasn’t a soul around him that he could celebrate this with. Was it fair that he was thinking this way? Probably not, but it was what he was feeling.
His heart ached, a sense of betrayal in his chest that he didn’t understand. He was angry, sad, upset.
Sam wasn’t here. He didn’t even really care that he was the one who had told him to remain at the manor. He just...he just felt like he should be here. That he was supposed to be here.
Instead, Cass was on his own, suffering. And where was the fucking dragon who claimed he could feel what Cass was feeling? If he knew how bad Cass was doing, why wasn’t he here? Helping him? Supporting him?
What was more important than Cass right now?
Cass threw his legs over the edge of the bed, his feet not even touching the ground since the mattress was so thick and raised off of the ground. He clenched his hands around the mattress edge, his gaze dropping to his clothed knees as he tried to process the emotional turmoil inside of him.
Where was Edgar too? Or Sir Forsythe? Hell, he’d even take a Fiona right now.
But no one was around.
There weren’t any knocks on the door, he couldn’t even hear feet shuffling outside of his door. Unlike the set of rooms he had in his other home, this was a giant main room where the bed was, and then several rooms that offshoot from the main room. He had access to the main doors, could hear if there were people outside.
No one was there.
Cass felt vulnerable. There. He said it. He wanted to feel like there were people around him, even if they weren’t speaking. His arms shook as his grip tightened on the edge of the bed. More tears fell, and he cursed out loud.
"Fuck. Get it together." Cass muttered. It wasn’t like being alone was something he wasn’t used to. He was just coming off of a dungeon, where he had to live in close quarters with everyone. He’d even been fucking betrayed yesterday.
He should want to be alone. He should be happy that no one was around.
Cass sniffed, his lip trembling.
Fuck. Just too much had happened in the last two days. Here he was, wanting to get revenge and now he was crying like a damn fucking bitch because no one was around him. He needed to get it the fuck together. He was stronger than this. This was just a little emotion. He could handle this. It was...it was just a meeting after a long time. He was bigger than this.
Still, Cass felt his stomach twist, his belly in knots as more time passed and no one came to check on him.
Finally, Cass just sighed and pushed off of the bed. His feet landed on the cold wood of the floor, but it didn’t feel as cold as it had before. There was...a pulse underneath his bare feet, and Cass felt himself get emotional again.
Was he awakening in some way? Were his fairy abilities stirring because he’d met what was, essentially, the only Mother that Cass and Lord Blackburn had ever known? Cass’ legs trembled, but he kept himself up. He had to.
He needed to do something, anything. He had passed out shortly after the roots had wrapped around him. He’d just felt such an overwhelming sense of relief that there was no way he couldn’t. He hadn’t felt like he could put everything down like that, ever, in his life.
So it made sense to him that he’d basically collapsed. He wondered if that had worried anyone, and then brushed it off. They weren’t even here right now. Who the hell knew where they even were?
Cass sniffed, using his sleeve to wipe at his nose before he let out a shaky breath, strengthened his back, and headed for the door. Like he suspected, there was no one on the other side of the door. Cass headed down the hall, down the two flights of stairs and stopped in the middle of the main entrance.
He’d wandered the halls of the second floor for a minute, trying to see if he could sense anything else, and couldn’t. There was...no one else here.
Cass clenched his jaw, his hands already fists, and turned. There was only one place he was going to find any kind of solace right now, so why would he not go there. It called to him, a warmth beneath his bare feet, and Cass went to it.
The stone steps down were still lit with magic, the wine cellar still creepy, but as Cass stepped through the doorway, he felt like he could finally breathe again. As soon as his toes sunk into the thick grass and he couldn’t see anyone else around him, Cass’ shoulders relaxed while his heart ached.
He crossed the small bridge, looking at the spot where Lucian and Edgar had been earlier, before he looked away and settled down on a spot underneath the tree only a few spots over. He pulled his knees up to his chest, pulling his breezy shirt over his knees and trapping himself there. He wrapped his arms around his calves, his head resting on his knees as he just took comfort in the grove.
He could feel the tree shifting, could feel it reaching out to him. It wasn’t something he could ever explain in words. It wasn’t physical, but he just... knew that it was the tree.
"I’m fine." Cass said out loud, knowing that was what it was looking for. Cass let out a soft laugh as he felt it reply. "I am fine. I’m just...raw." Cass told the tree.
He felt the concern, the worry, it was so damn maternal that Cass felt his eyes water. He opened his mouth, closed it, and then just asked it. He needed to know. If the tree knew. He wasn’t Lord Blackburn. Not really.
"Do you know? That I’m not the baby you saved?" Cass asked, his voice cracking. He needed to ask this now so that he didn’t rely on it, didn’t get used to this feeling only to have it torn from him. It felt like a warm blanket on his shoulders. He shouldn’t get used to it if they were going to pull away.
The sound of shifting leaves, the rustling of nature.
The bark behind his back burned and Cass gulped in air as their response came back.
They didn’t care. They were always going to view Cass, no matter what form, as their baby. They viewed it as their sacrifice meaning more. They now had two babies for the price of one. Cass buried his head in his knees and sobbed. The only person who’d accepted him so wholly was his sister, and this? After dreaming of her for the first time?
Cass felt like a part of him was shattering. Reforming.