Chapter 167: A racing mind and a tired body
Cass spent the whole night tossing and turning. He was exhausted, but his mind wouldn’t rest. It kept spinning, kept turning. Kept thinking.
About the fact that he could never have breasts.
He hated that his mind kept circling that damn thought. The worst part? This wasn’t even his first or second time hating that idea. He’d struggled with those kinds of thoughts for a long time. He had always felt a little inferior to his sister. He found that she was prettier, smarter, kinder than Cass ever could be.
He had considered that maybe he had some gender dysmorphia, but then he’d pushed it away because he didn’t have time to deal with that while also being an orphan, poor, and he needed to appreciate his body for what it was. It was what was able to keep him working, alive, and able to help his sister out.
Plus, it wasn’t like he hated being a man, and he didn’t want to be a woman. He didn’t look at the life that they lived and was envious of all aspects. He was just...he just knew he couldn’t compare to a woman if someone was given a choice.
If a man was given a choice.
Thoughts like that plagued Cass’ mind, even long after Lord Ridgewood entered the tent after his drinking session with Vespertine. He was quiet, respectful, and shortly after he settled down, Cass could hear him fall into a deep sleep. The soft breaths from his mouth told him so.
Cass wished he was able to do the same.
There was another aspect that Cass hadn’t considered either. For some reason, he was cold as hell. His whole body was shaking, trembling the longer he remained in contact with the floor. Or, the ground, to be precise.
It didn’t start right away. It was a slow leeching of all heat that he had in his body until his teeth were chattering and he was worried he was going to wake up Lord Ridgewood. At some point, Cass just had to give up the ruse and get out of the bed. He somehow managed to open the tent flaps, and close them again, before heading towards the dying embers of the fire. He sat as close to it as he could, the dying heat giving him some warmth.
"My Lord?" Cass nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Ser Hune’s voice. He turned, spotting that she had been nearby his tent, in the shadows.
"Oh, Ser Hune. You surprised me." Cass whispered and Ser Hune came closer. She was still wrapped in shadow, but that was fine. To be expected. It wasn’t quite the middle of the night, but it was dark out and the fire wasn’t burning.
"Shall I get the fire started again, my Lord?" She asked and Cass stared at dying embers for a long moment. His head was still full. There was no way he was going back to sleep.
"Yeah. I would appreciate that." Cass muttered and Ser Hune set to work. She clearly knew where everything she needed was, and within 10 minutes, another, smaller fire was started in the pit. Ser Hune, instead of standing next to him she pulled up a wooden log for Cass to sit on and then joined him on said log.
"Can’t sleep?" She asked carefully and Cass sighed. He had dragged one of the blankets out with him, wrapping it around his shoulders as he shivered. Cass continued to shake, and while Ser Hune didn’t make a comment on it, he could now read the concern in her features. He let out a soft laugh.
"Ser Hune," Cass started. He wasn’t sure who else he could bring this up to. It wasn’t like either Lord Blackburn or Cass knew about the fairy part of his blood. His Mom was dead in both lives, as far as he knew. "Do you...feel a seeping coldness coming into your body?" He asked tentatively and Ser Hune blinked. She turned her attention back to the fire, before she got down to the ground and pressed her body against it. "Ser Hune!" Cass protested, wanting her to get back up, but she didn’t listen.
She remained on the ground for a few moments before she got up. She turned her gaze towards Cass, contemplative.
"I do feel it, but not as much as it appears that you are." She said and Cass flinched. She continued. "It might be the differences in our blood. I come from a different area of the forest than your Mother’s family. I was more affected by the air quality, while it appears that you are more affected by the actual ground. It would make sense." She said while Cass felt like he was reeling from the new information.
Lord Blackburn still had family among the fairies? What?
"Why would it make sense?" Cass asked and Ser Hune, normally full of laughter and smiles, stared at him silently, her face neutral.
"They never taught you about your fairy blood, did they?" She asked. It wasn’t rude, or demeaning, more of a statement of fact than anything else. Cass swallowed.
"They...got rid of all books regarding fairies as soon as I was born." Cass whispered quietly and Ser Hune’s face did twist then.
"Have you read anything since?" She didn’t sound judgmental, just worried. Cass swallowed, letting out a deep sigh.
"I have. I did. But it’s rather overwhelming when you don’t know where to start." Cass was speaking purely from Lord Blackburn’s memories. He had gobbled up books about fairies as soon as he was out from under his grandfather’s watchful gaze. Well, as much as he could.
Lord Blackburn knew that his grandfather was always going to watch him. No matter what.
"That’s quite true. Especially since most of the more informational books are written in our languages. If you had no one around you to teach you, how would you know? Half of the stuff written in the human languages is lies." Ser Hune admitted, a sparkle in her gaze. "Our way of getting back at them for invading our homelands." She said and Cass was surprised at that little nugget, but also, impressed.
Cass dropped his head, shaking it as he laughed.
"So I know nothing?" He asked and she sighed.
"Not nothing. You know what you feel, and that’s half of the battle when it comes to being a fairy." She told him. "We’re more intuned with our environments. If things are bad, we could get ill. If we don’t have enough greenery around, we get ill. We are part of the soil, the dirt, the trees and leaves. We aren’t meant to be fully out in the same towns as the humans and others can roam freely. The fact that your Mother went so far out and into the cities was...a point of contention amongst everyone." Ser Hune sighed.
"Really?" Cass asked, curious. This was the first time he’d heard anything not purely negative about his Mother. Or, Lord Blackburn’s Mother.
"Yes. Some viewed it as a betrayal. Others viewed it as her venturing out in her youth. They all thought she was going to come back. She was a talented worker, and her skills were desired by others." Ser Hune smiled. "She could sing the plants to life. Did anyone ever tell you that? Her words could literally bring life to everything around her. Yet, she still chose to wander out, work as an entertainer, a singer, for the humans. That was how she met your Father." Ser Hune did sound a bit bitter in her recollection of Lord Blackburn’s Mother, but at the same time...
It was new information. It was new information that Cass was sure Lord Blackburn hadn’t heard. His Mother’s powers as a fairy were related to life and living. Singing plants and other things into life. What an incredible gift.
Cass could almost understand the frustration in her voice as she recalled the woman who had taken her own life.
"It is tragic that she didn’t get to come back." Cass told Ser Hune and she laughed.
"You don’t have to sound so impartial. She was your Mother, my Lord." Cass felt his lips twitch. Yeah. Sure. At least in this body, his Mother had a story. A history. In Caspian’s life, his Mother was unknown. Someone who he had just assumed was dead. It helped deal with the anger he had related to his parents abandoning them at the orphanage. If they had both died, it made everything easier. Manageable.
"Duke Blackburn removed every trace of her from the estate before I was able to crawl." Cass told Ser Hune. Silence filled the air between them for a moment. Only the crackling of the logs on the fire speaking for them.
"I’ll make sure to reach out to some of your fairy family to see if they have any photos or mementos from her. I don’t think what he did was right, and I won’t dare to defend him." That was all she said, but it said enough.
Ser Hune didn’t like Lord Blackburn’s grandfather either, and Cass felt his lips twitch.
"He doesn’t like that I’m part fairy." Cass told her. She scoffed.
"Pardon me, my Lord, but fuck him then. Being a fairy is a wonderful thing! Have you ever tested if you had the same powers as your Mother?" She asked and Cass chuckled.
"Ser Hune, you telling me is the first time I ever heard about her powers, so no. I also didn’t learn singing as part of my training to become a Duke. In fact, I learned no musical skills." Ser Hune’s face frosted over at that.
"Damn it. Alright, this will be your first lesson on fairies, my Lord." Ser Hune didn’t give Cass a moment to protest, and instead set to work giving Cass a thorough, or as much as she could, history of the fairies while they both warmed their bodies by the fire.
It was...it was really nice, actually, to have someone who didn’t judge, didn’t get mad, and just listened. And spoke to him like he was worthy of their time and attention. Lord Blackburn had spent so long having others question who or what he was. There was a reason that until he came to these lands that no one knew he was for sure a fairy.
It was because there were no other fairies around him. Duke Blackburn had made sure of it, but now, with Ser Hune’s help, he was gaining back parts of him that were stolen from him by a greedy old man.
It was good. It was nice, and he was hoping that Lord Blackburn felt the same way about the situation.