Chapter 138: Should I just wear an eye mask so I don’t have to look at these fools?
"Hmm, well, that’s arguable. We all have a lot on our plate." Cass said, maybe a little insensitively, but hey, it was his right. The way that Vespertine’s face twisted told him that the other man was struggling. Shit. "So, the ranks mean something to the temple?" Cass tried to recover it, but he’d unfortunately stepped his foot right into the deepest part of the shit he’d stirred. Damn it.
"I suppose you are correct. If she was busier with work, how else would she have found time to flirt with everyone in the hero party?" Ah fuck. Vespertine’s smile was a little warped, a little twisted and Cass knew he probably shouldn’t say this, especially with his shoulder still exposed and Vespertine next to him, not a table length away from him.
"Well, uh, I wouldn’t exactly be throwing rocks in glass houses." Cass joked, and Vespertine turned pale. Fuck.
"What was I supposed to do? I need to eat!" Vespertine protested. He sounded like he was wailing. "I really liked her! What am I supposed to do?" Cass felt a twinge in his gut. This could go really badly. Was Vespertine about to get mad that Lady Fiona was involved with another woman? After he’d kissed Cass like that?
Cass was bracing himself.
Vespertine turned away from Cass, getting to his feet in earnest, and ran his hands through his hair with jerky movements as he began to pace the small space between the couches and coffee table, and the door. Cass reached for a hand snack that Sam made him slowly.
"How am I supposed to be able to compete with another woman? I have no fucking chance! Despite all of her flaws, Ava is beautiful, so there is no way! I had thought she was just taking it slow, and I find out she’s been having ’sleepovers’ with Ava and now it all makes sense!" He scoffed, probably more at himself than anyone else. "I’m such a damn fool. I thought she was just taking her time. I should have known better. I’ve always had terrible taste when it comes to making choices for myself."
Oo. That was a little harsh there, Vespertine. Cass didn’t realise he was so self-deprecating, yet here they were. Vespertine was pacing the floor like he was trying to make a hole in it. He hadn’t noticed Cass subtly eating some food while the other man moved as if the world was ending. Maybe in Vespertine’s eyes, it was.
He was supposed to be the loyal playboy in the story. The one who looked like he was sleeping around, but then it became clear that wasn’t the case, he was just having a little snack, sustaining his life on the blood of others because he didn’t want to hurt the woman he loved. It was...romantic, if you wanted to put it that way.
"Vespertine." Cass said quietly. Vespertine jerked, turning his gaze towards Cass. "If you are so upset that you have been betrayed by Lady Fiona, why the hell did you kiss me? Is that also not a betrayal?" Cass asked and watched as Vespertine sputtered. He nearly flung himself against the wall, tripping over his own feet in shock. His beautiful features went slack, his blue eyes bright, shocked, as he was faced with another problem. This one of his own making.
"I, well, I just-"
"You were just doing it to get a rise out of me, weren’t you? You wanted to take something from me, and that was the easiest thing to get, wasn’t it?" Vespertine looked ill.
"No! That’s not-I didn’t have those kinds of intentions at the time! Yes, I wanted to tease you because you had very interesting reactions, but that wasn’t the reason behind my actions!" Cass was actually finding this to be quite entertaining, even as if he felt like a hot poker was shoved down his throat.
His body was trying to choke itself with emotion, Cass wasn’t going to let it happen. He had thought that Vespertine had just done it on a whim. His reaction when they had arrived back at the mansion had really made him think that, but Vespertine protesting it now? Awful. He felt awful internally.
"I want you to know that it’s not very nice what you did. You took advantage of me when I was weak, and vulnerable. You used that to your advantage and kissed me against my will." Vespertine looked shocked, ill, and it was comical to see someone have these expressions on his face, while still looking like he had stepped off of a movie set.
Hell, he felt like he was on a movie set. Fucking male lead shit.
"I didn’t-I-" Vespertine dropped his head. "This is what I fucking mean. Every damn choice I make for myself? Never works out." He whispered his words, but Cass heard them crystal clear. He furrowed his brows slightly, frowning, but didn’t make a comment on it.
Vespertine’s shoulders slumped, his head falling into his hands. He looked like a damn sculpture in agony, but Cass didn’t say a thing. He just slowly kept reaching for snacks with his good hand, the goblet still on the table, and had a few bites to fill his stomach.
He wasn’t a damn therapist. It wasn’t his job to help Vespertine work through his own issues, and it was clear that he had them. For a man who was the son of a Duke, why the hell did he doubt his own choices this much? Who did this to him? These were questions Cass had, but not any that he actually wanted to find the answers to.
That would mean having to get closer to Vespertine.
He was already far too close to Draken, if he got closer to Vespertine? What was the fucking point of separating himself from the hero party if he knew, knew in his bones that if he got any closer to them, they wouldn’t leave his place once he moved out. He would be swamped with visitors, and that was kind of against the whole point of moving out.
That’s something he could do while he had no hands. He had a few days before the official call was put out. He could work on narrowing down properties for himself, and maybe if he asked nicely, Lord Blackburn would give him the answer to his banker so that he could see what he actually had to work with when it came to funds.
After all, he had given both of them a ride in Draken’s arms. That had to be worth something in the Lord Blackburn currency, right?
"I’m sorry." Cass jerked, having let his mind wander as Vespertine fought with himself. He was shocked. He certainly hadn’t expected an apology, and when he met the gaze of the other man, he was even more surprised.
He looked like he was in pain. Great pain. His eyes were watering, and Cass watched in horror as the other man slowly lowered himself to the floor, getting on his knees before he bowed his head to the floor, his hands folded neatly by the crown of his head as he pressed his forehead into the carpet.
"I’m sorry, Cassian. No, Lord Blackburn. Not only did I do awful things to you, but I also stood by and said nothing as others did the same. I’ve been doing it for years. I never took the time to get to know you, and instead listened to all of the rumours about you and never took the time to actually get to know you. I’m sorry for that, and I’m even more sorry for just...the way I’ve behaved recently." Vespertine’s shoulders inflated as he sighed, pressing himself further against the floor.
Cass felt uncomfortable. He didn’t think Vespertine would apologise, and if he did, it wouldn’t be this sincere. It was odd. It was strange, and he couldn’t help but wonder if the fact that he was now a hero had something to do with that.
"Are you apologising like this because I’m also a hero?" Cass asked. He could beat around the bush with Vespertine any other time, but now was not it. Cass, like Vespertine had, was going to take advantage of the man while was weak.
Only Cass wasn’t going to lay his hands on the other man.
Vespertine’s body jerked, but he didn’t rise.
"I would be lying if I said it had nothing to do with it, but it’s only a small part. I can’t fight the compulsion I have to treat the heroes who are chosen by the gods better than I do normal people, but that still doesn’t make what I did okay. I didn’t...I had planned to use the wine bottles against you, and yet you didn’t even think twice to offer one to me while I was planning to try to blackmail you. I’m scum. I feel like there is no way for me to recover from the path that I’ve gone down. Maybe the first step is apologising to the people I’ve wronged. I don’t know." Vespertine laughed, raising his head to meet Cass’ gaze.
Cass didn’t know what to say. The man looked lost. For a man who was used to being cool, collected, and in power, he should have looked weak, and small on the floor. Instead, he just looked...he looked...
Well, Cass didn’t know many who would be able to refuse a man who looked like him.
"Well...that’s an option. I appreciate you apologising." Cass told him on a sigh. Vespertine’s lips turned up in a bitter smile.
"But you don’t accept it." Vespertine said bitterly and Cass stared at the other man.
"Do you expect that when you apologise that the other person will automatically accept your apology? If that’s the case, who are you apologising for? Are you even meaning it?" Vespertine’s smile dropped away. "There is a reason I don’t accept apologies. I don’t accept them especially if so much time has passed since the incident. If you had come by the next day and apologised, I might have considered it, but at this point, the apology is to make you feel better, not make me feel like you became aware of how you wronged me." Vespertine’s jaw dropped, shock plastered on his face.
"No wonder the gods chose you." He whispered and Cass felt his face twist into a rather ugly expression. Oh, he hated that. That was what he was worried Lady Ava was going to say, or do, as the next Saintess. Little did Cass know she was having meetings with only one god, while Vespertine was the one he had to worry about saying shit like that.
He wanted to tell him that he hadn’t really been given much of a choice. Like Vespertine had planned, he had been blackmailed by the ’gods’ he worshiped. Bullied into it so that he could protect the only family he knew. He wanted to ruin his perception of the gods, make him jaded, and mean like Cass was when it came to them. He wanted to make him like Cass.
Cass couldn’t do it though. Every time he opened his mouth, the words caught in his throat. He wanted to say that it was because the ’gods’ stopped him, or it was Lord Blackburn, but no, it was Cass himself. He knew how much of a pain in the ass he was to deal with. He shouldn’t make others out to be like him. Even if it meant that he felt pretty damn fucking lonely, and it also meant that the apology that Vespertine offered felt like balm to a wound that was still actively bleeding.
Useless, and unable to get to the main issue.